keeping my words sacred

A couple of nights ago I went to a book launch party at the invite of a dear friend who wrote one of the chapters.  The book, The Thought That Changed My Life, features 52 authors recounting, as you might imagine, the one thought that changed their lives.  I have not yet read the book but after hearing some of the authors speak I am really looking forward to doing so (I got a free copy, yay!), as it was hugely inspiring and gave me further insight into the power of the mind, words, and thoughts.

As I have been writing about in this blog, a couple of months ago I decided to leave my job and I will be wrapping it up in the coming months.  As yet, there is no real plan in place.  I’ve realized in this process that I have to be very discerning as to who I reveal this information to.  Some people are highly supportive and excited for me, while others can’t imagine leaving a job without having something else solidified to take its place.  The latter group would probably feel it’s unwise and impractical – not to mention scary – to do such a thing.

There seems to be a general feeling among my circle of friends that the old way of doing things doesn’t work anymore, but the new way hasn’t fully formed yet.  This can lend to a sense of self-doubt about our decisions to leave jobs or cities that aren’t resonating with us anymore.  Which brings me back to my point about being discerning about who I share my intentions with.  I can be quite susceptible to the fears and doubts of others, which of course have nothing to do with me – unless I internalize them as my own. (Then again, in some cases it could be that I’m projecting my own self-doubt onto others, and interpreting their reactions through that highly questionable filter.)

The funny thing is, I often know better – I find myself sharing my thoughts and words with people who I know will not be supportive or encouraging, and who would not do the same themselves.  Why do I set myself up for that?  Many people will not take a risk or step into the unknown.  And there’s nothing really wrong with that – everyone has their own unique circumstances – but I always feel slightly bad after such an interaction.  Not ‘guilty’ bad; more that I’ve diluted something that is precious and sacred.  That I’ve wasted my words…words which represent the energy of what’s going on in my heart.   And then I have to get myself to a place where I feel ‘right’ and centred again.

crystal in sand in varkala beach, india

crystal in sand in varkala beach, india

I want to me more conscious and respectful of my desires, and speak of them only with people and in situations where they will be nourished.  I want to treat them with more care and reverence.

I’m in transition: experiencing a tenuous, raw space between my head and my heart, and I need to do all that I can do to move in the direction of my heart. So that living from there feels more natural.

The trouble is, the heart’s signs aren’t as easy to read when one has been living in their head for most of their life!  Thus I really appreciated being among such an inspiring group of people at the book launch.  I shared with a few of them where I’m at in my life, and I received nothing but support in my decision and ability to say ‘I don’t know what’s around the corner, but I know I can’t do this anymore’.  One of the authors asked what my dream in life is – something I’ve been asked numerous times before, always to space out and stammer something about not knowing, usually with a slight deer-caught-in-headlights expression.  I found myself about to do that again, but paused to think about how I really wanted to respond to that.

It is time that I let myself fully dream.  There’s always been a hesitancy with the dreaming…do i dare?…I hold my breath, and don’t allow it fully into my being.  So it doesn’t have a chance to make itself known to me, let alone express itself.

My head (and body) has long echoed with all the people and voices and social constructs and mass thought-forms that tell me why I can’t have, and live, my dream (and their reasons are endless).  But that’s ok and I’ve learned that resisting those voices doesn’t work for me.  My friend Sadee Whip mentioned the idea of spaciousness a few weeks ago, and I’ve been contemplating and feeling it ever since – that my true, essential nature wants to expand to include new ways of being, rather than use its energy to resist the old ways (and thus constrict myself).

So that’s the thought that’s currently changing my life.  I’m allowed to dream, with no limits to my imagination, and open myself up to whatever wonders dreaming lets in.

I think I just felt my heart smile.

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