re-wiring my connectivity

I would love to be one of those people who really doesn’t care what others think.

Take my sister, for example.  It never ceases to amaze me how two siblings, from the exact same parents, can be so totally different.  She is three years older than me and, for the most part, has never cared what others think. (I’m sure she has her moments, but I’m speaking generally.)  She seems to have been born with a strong sense of self, a core knowing of who she is.

I, on the other hand, have been the ‘softie’ of the family. Permeable boundaries, super sensitive, feeling what others felt – whether I wanted to or not.

Our familial roles can cement early in life, and we often play the part well into adulthood, unquestioningly accepting it as who we ‘are’.

All this is on my mind as we sisters, in a rare double appearance, recently attended a large family gathering.  In fly-on-the-wall mode, I watched our respective interactions with family members.  I felt the little girl inside me surface: afraid of hurting or offending others, viewing them as authority figures, and worrying about how they perceived her. My sister, on the other hand, seemed completely unperturbed by anything around her.

This makes me wonder: is it really possible to stop caring what other people think of us, if we’ve cared for most of our lives?

My answer to that is Yes.  We are capable of any change and transformation we desire.  But when we’ve trained our system to respond a certain way for so long, it may require more than a mental decision to just ‘stop caring’.

On a subtle level I feel many little wires and threads connecting me to others.  This has affected my ability in the past to make clear, self-authoritative life decisions.  And while the thought of severing these ties gives me great freedom, it’s also unfamiliar.  What does it feel like to make decisions completely independent of the thoughts and opinions of others?

It feels like trusting myself.

Of course.  It has nothing to do with other people.  It’s all about my relationship with myself.  When I’m good with myself, when I’m clear with myself, when I’m solid with myself…what others think doesn’t even factor in.  There is no need to seek external validation or distraction. My energy is directed within.  And it feels good. Genuinely, authentically good.

But do I want to disconnect completely?  I am wired to feel, and though this might include others’ pain or discomfort, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. That is empathy, a quality I consider very important.

This is the art of fine-tuning my feelers: knowing which connections strengthen and serve me (and others), and which drain and fragment.

So perhaps this isn’t so much an issue of caring what people think, as becoming more aware of who and what I attune to.  This requires being clear on my own truth.  The discovery of that truth is a priority.  When I really know it, it doesn’t waver in the presence of others’ truths.

So how do I do this?

By stopping.  Getting still.  Breathing.  Moving all that energy circulating in my head down through my solar plexus, and letting it build there.  Creating a new home and sanctuary.  A sturdy place for truth to rest.  Letting that knowledge take the reins.

The true place of power is in my gut.

It overrides the ego’s investment in what others think. Ego wants to look good, to be in control.  It wants to please people, and seeks their validation and approval. (Often resenting them at the same time.)

Maybe my sister was born with a strong third chakra. Perhaps my Piscean sun set me up to be a feeler.  A million theories could explain our differences, but it’s irrelevant.  The question is, how would I like to live now?  What traits in my sister inspire me to cultivate similar traits in myself?

Self-trust.  Turning to my own inner guidance first and foremost.  This doesn’t mean switching off from others.  It means unplugging some of those wires, and connecting them inward, to my source, to my greatest knowing.  This is where my power is recharged and replenished, and from where I serve life in full integrity and alignment.

11 thoughts on “re-wiring my connectivity

  1. Pingback: i am my own authority | alohaleya

  2. In myself, I am convinced that this continual worry is so multi-layered that the complexity sometimes overwhelms me. Ultimately, I try to remember that I am worthy of the love/attention/awareness that I give others; that I can be more sensitive to the true needs of others as I allow myself to be nurtured. Wish I could say from my advanced years that it is an easy lesson to learn:\

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    • i guess the big lessons don’t come quick and easy. it’s taken me till now to go from ignoring the feelings i was having about it, to feeling resentment/anger at our respective roles, to seeing who i am as a gift, and what i can learn from my sister (and what she can learn from me). like you, i also have to remember that i am worthy of that love and awareness; when the energy is so often directed outward, it’s feels foreign to funnel it inwards. but it’s the only way, to be fully empowered. thank you for your comment. namaste, aleya

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  3. Great post! But never compare yourself to your sister. Perhaps your perception of her is not whole. You may be too close to see her insecurities, and to see that your sensitivities are not the curse that you might think! To be open and refrain from judgment requires that we stop judging ourselves nor labeling
    things “good” and “bad”. You have everything you are supposed to have, and everything your sister has! We are all on a path, perhaps not the same path, but we are where we need to be, all the time, no matter how painful, uncomfortable or difficult it may be. 😉 Hug for you.

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    • thank you for your comment! i agree that the sensitivity it a gift and can actually be very powerful when harnessed, without judgment of self or comparison to others. my sis and i are both learning from each other. i’m glad that despite our differences the one thing we have connected on is our spirituality. she’s showing me how to find the balance between strength and softness…how to define my own boundaries. that’s invaluable! 🙂

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  4. My dear friend, you are speaking to my heart with your wisdom. As noted earlier, we are fighting the same battle. I am still working on my post re “judgment” but my demons are harassing me right now and making any writing difficult!

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    • hi lew – thank you for your comment. those demons can be relentless. it’s especially frustrating when they get in the way of something we love to do, like writing. who said awareness was easy? hah. those demons don’t hold a candle to our truth, and they know this. it’s just getting thru the murky process. 🙂

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  5. Thanks for sharing! Being emotionally attuned to others is a great (spiritual) gift. The hard part is learning to set up boundaries for oneself all while still being attuned. And yes, it does include severing ties that no longer serve us… And being centered in the third and not second or fourth chakra 🙂 Nice work!
    p.s. loved discovering this artist through your post, thanks!

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    • thank you! those boundaries don’t come naturally for me but it’s getting easier with time. if i’m energetically drained all the time, then how is the gift serving anyone? and i’m also realizing the importance of taking care of our physical bodies in this process – i guess that’s another post! 🙂
      isn’t this artist amazing? i discovered him when i lived in australia. i have one of his prints…his images are channelled, and so powerful.

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