I have been really spacey these past couple of weeks. I don’t know if it can be pinpointed to any one factor, as things are very much in flux.
I’ve been immersing myself in Abraham-Hicks videos on youtube. I’ve resumed my beloved Kundalini Yoga practice. My last post triggered a deeper realization of the power I’ve given to others, and how I can shift these patterns. I’ve been gluten/dairy free for three weeks, and am convinced my body and brain have undergone a process of shock/withdrawal. And reality is setting in that, in just a few weeks, I must find somewhere new to live, as well as new employment!
A few months ago, I made the decision to leave my admin job this summer. (This was inspired by the eye-opening discovery of an email I had written to myself in 2005.) Giving my notice felt good. It felt right. It felt like relief. It felt exciting.
So why am I now doubting myself? The weeks are flying by, and I don’t have a real plan in place. Despite my best intentions to use these months to get more clarity on what I really want to do, I don’t feel I’ve made much headway.
Questions abound: Have I made the right decision? How will I pay my rent? (And where will I be paying it!?) Is my job really so bad? To add to my second-guessing, my employers really don’t want me to leave. They are willing to negotiate my work schedule, and discuss other options to make things better for me. They’ve let me know how valued I am, and I so appreciate this. I know that’s not the case in every workplace.
I am torn between planning and surrender. Between action and trust. Between doing and being. But mostly I just feel like resting…being in my own space as much as possible. Before I can take any action, I need to be very quiet within. To do whatever I can to hear that inner voice that just knows things will work out.
This means watching my thoughts like a hawk, and discarding those that do not empower me.
It means tuning out the opinions of others.
It means knowing that I am my own authority.
I’ve lived life with a hazy sense of needing permission to live the way I want, think the way I want, do the things I want, make the decisions I want. Looking for the green light everywhere but in myself. Who I am I seeking permission from? God? Parents? My boss? Healers, psychics, astrologers, teachers? Yes, yes, yes…
It’s particularly scary when seeking permission becomes our unconscious modus operandi in moving through life.
What I love about the Abraham teachings is the unrelenting assertion of our personal power and authority…our inherent capacity to find relief through aligning with our Source, that is, Who We Really Are.
This is not blind optimism; this is accepting that we are divine beings, and rising to the challenge of allowing the depths of our greatness. We have the ability to generate the circumstances that we desire. This has nothing to do with the approval or validation of others, and everything to do with knowing we are our own best guidance system.
I love Kundalini Yoga for this same reason. My practice, immediately and unfailingly, shows me what I’m telling myself about life. When I am performing a physically challenging kriya (set of postures) that feels like it might break me, every ounce of strength is focussed on my third eye as my truth whispers, ‘You are stronger than you think’.
Just as my physical muscles strengthen, my energetic core becomes stronger as I build more power within. At first these new spiritual muscles shake and resist and doubt and protest. But transformation occurs when I surrender to the intense discomfort and feel my cells start to pulsate with the remembrance of my truth and divinity. My inner vastness speaks…‘You are more powerful than you think.’
I’m not sure when my current spaciness will subside; all I can do is be present with it. Perhaps my inner and outer systems are being rebooted and my job, for now, is to stay out of the way. I don’t want to be passive, but sometimes the greatest action of all is finding that inner state of calm and trust, and letting creation spring from there.
Everything that has transpired has brought me to this point. And underneath the discomfort that comes with change, I am grateful to have the ultimate choice in how it all unfolds.