If you’d told me a month ago that I would make the decision to stay at my job, I would have thought…there’s no possible way.
But what can I say? Life is continually allowing me to refine my desires, and I’m just going with what feels right.
A little background: I’ve been working in administration for several years and, particularly in the last few months, have felt the strong desire to move on to employment that is more aligned with my passions and creative interests. To that end, a few weeks ago I gave my official notice at work, and began arranging an upcoming trip to Europe.
I didn’t really have a plan in place, except to enjoy the art, culture, and wine of Italy, and let inspiration find me. And, until recently, I felt relieved with my decision. I felt quite proud for taking a leap into the unknown, and following my dreams. For saying ‘yes’ to adventure and freedom and wanderlust. (Let’s face it, that sounds pretty cool.)
I felt happy that I wouldn’t have to deal with the same old work scenarios, the same old dynamics, the same old…sameness of everything.
But as the weeks flew by, uncertainty crept in. Instead of feeling sustained excitement and adventure, I felt uneasy. Was this too much change? What are my dreams? Will I be able to pursue them fully, and enjoy Europe, if I am stressed about finances and not having a job to return to?
I know many of us are facing ambivalence about our work. How do we feel fulfilled and inspired in a career that, at times, feels like it’s sucking the soul right out of us? How do we know when we’re finally done, that the universe is calling us to something higher? When do we stay put, and when do we move on?
Having quit my job, I began to see more clearly, and deeply appreciate, its many positive aspects (including the best co-workers ever). I realized that I’d been getting very comfortable with what I had, and taking much for granted.
I’d become so accustomed to focusing on the ‘negatives’ that I allowed them to completely eclipse the positives.
I started to observe: in which aspects of my job do I feel the most resistance, and how does this resistance play out in other areas of my life? If I can transform that root resistance, will my experience of my job change?
For example, one of my beliefs is that I have no personal connection to the work I perform. While this is somewhat true, I’ve put a lot of emphasis on this thought-form, and thus it has become a Big Problem. I have over-identified with my job, allowing it to be reflective of who I am, when it is not at all Who I Really Am. Moreover, I’ve felt that people are judging me for the ‘boring’ work that I do…when in reality it’s mostly me judging myself. (There’s that ego again.)
I’ve also observed that I get emotionally triggered by certain people and interactions at work. (Who can’t relate to that!?) But interactions that push my buttons will follow me throughout my life, and in all scenarios, if I don’t find a way deal with them effectively, and in a way that feels good and empowering to me.
Every relationship is an opportunity to expand, and work peeps are no exception. What energy/vibration/intention am I bringing to each interaction? I’m going to be more diligent with this awareness, and I’m intrigued by the transformation that will undoubtedly occur.
I’ve also been carrying the mindset that I don’t love my job. But the fact is, there are a lot of little things I do love about it. And, in providing a foundation of stability, it enables me to do those things I truly love to do, even if I’m not doing them while physically at my desk. It’s all about my own perspective.
Abraham-Hicks would advise that I continue to focus on these positive aspects, to get into a consistent state of gratitude that will align me with even more things to feel good about. I have been practicing this in the last couple of months, and can honestly say that my life experience has changed for the better. Things are happening – with my writing, with my trip, with a couple cool creative side projects I’ve been approached to work on.
So where does that leave my plan to ditch everything and hang out in Europe for a while? I spoke with my employer and they were willing to arrange a two-month leave for me. So instead of quitting outright, I’ll go on my trip and return to my job in the Fall.
This feels really good to me. Perhaps I just need a grand adventure, something totally different, to reboot my system. And I can then revisit matters when I’m back, with a fresh perspective. (Unless, of course, a handsome Italian whisks me away on his Vespa, which quite a few people think might happen…)
I really admire those that courageously pursue their dreams and, to be completely honest here, a small part of me feels like I’ve reneged on a promise I made to myself to do the same. That little voice can’t help but wonder if my recent uncertainty reflects a lack of trust, a latent belief that I’m not worthy or capable of creating the life of my dreams. That by staying where I am (for the time being), I’m sending the message to the universe that I’m not serious about pursuing those dreams.
But of course that’s not my intent. Let me be clear: my intent is to reframe my current situation (with gratitude), so that it allows the nurturing of my dreams – which are still evolving. This is called appreciating, and maximizing, the best of both worlds.
Ultimately I am very grateful to have options to change things around if they’re not feeling right. And as I tweak my desires, the universe responds with the support I need to make it happen. I am the sole designer of my life, and I have complete creative control.
I’m off to a weekend workshop in beautiful Whistler, BC and am looking forward to the summer mountain air and connecting with kindred spirits, for what will likely be a very transformational couple of days. I’m sure I will glean some further insights there. 😉