i want my power back

In my last post I wrote about my journey into my power centre, and how that relates to the Divine Feminine – her reemergence on planet earth, and the role I play within that.

It’s clear to me that many of us, especially women, have felt very disconnected from our solar plexus.  I myself had always written it off as having a ‘weak’ third chakra…but what was I telling myself?  That I’m not wired to be strong?  That power is for other people?

shiva and shakti, by my amazing friend sonja picard. http://www.sonjapicard.com

‘shiva and shakti’, by my amazing friend and artist sonja picard (sonjapicard.com)

On yet another walk, these insights were further intensified. (Yes, I seem to have most of my revelations on long walks, especially those along the water!)  I remember I was in a particularly twisted state at this time.  And it mostly had to do with a man.  Something this man did (or didn’t do) that day set off some major triggers, and I was sent into an emotional tailspin.

Prior to this, I’d had a very teary few days at work, for various life reasons; at some points I felt like I was one synapse away from a nervous breakdown.  My heart was beating rapidly and I felt a free-floating sense of terror and helplessness, the likes of which I had never felt before.  A feeling of nothingness, emptiness…like I was a mere shell, with no substance. I was gasping and grasping for solace in something, anything…but not finding it anywhere.

So on my walk that morning, I had the sense that everything I had once derived comfort from was gone.  I couldn’t feel God or my angels (could I ever before?), no spiritual teachings or readings were working, and there was nothing to pray to.  It was just me – and this terrified me, because it felt like there was nothing to me.

At that moment, all I could do was breathe.  On some level I understood that breathing into my belly was my only option.  It was my last resort; the one thing that just might give me relief, keep me sane.

I’d always been stubbornly resistant to deep breathing. It felt uncomfortable. I rolled my eyes when yoga teachers would go on about ‘the breath’.  It was a sensation that didn’t come easily to me, and I didn’t enjoy it.  I thought it was overrated.

But now, I strongly sensed that it was my last hope. A deep, profound knowing that my head was no longer going to give me  the solace I craved – and that it never would (if it ever did!).

As I walked, my iPod distracted me from my intense discomfort. A certain song helped me to breathe deeply.  As I did so, I felt a little spark growing in my belly. Dancing, swirling.  I don’t know if I actually felt it or visualized it, but it doesn’t matter.  My focus suddenly turned to power.  I became very aware of my personal power.

“I want my power back,” I said aloud, in a low voice, surprising myself.

uma parvati, sonja picard. www.sonjapicard.com

‘uma parvati’, sonja picard (sonjapicard.com)

And so it began.  A  two-hour  dialogue with my power.  I ‘saw’ that a tug of war had been playing out within me, for years.  Me fighting myself, my whole life.  I was ‘told’ (by my power) that the ego wants me to fight this war, so that I can be distracted, occupied, my energy drained – that is, not in my authentic power.

I understood that my authentic power wants me to surrender this war.  Not surrender it to some outside force, but to myself.  To the most wise, creative, authoritative power in me, which resides in a place my mind has little (if any) access to: my belly, my gut, my solar plexus.

The insights continued.  I realized that I’d been carrying the belief that I have to choose between power and a man.  That intimate relationships ultimately take away my power.  “I want both”, I said, again surprising myself by speaking aloud.  “I want both.  I WANT BOTH.”

It’s then that I started to really feel it – that self-love is in the belly.  That once lit, the fire grows inside, bigger and bigger, building.  It has always been there.  You choose, my power told me.  You decide.  I either claim it and direct my own life, or I don’t.

I then stated: “I am not asking permission to have my power back; I am TAKING it.”

I can’t say that I felt a strong  sensation in my belly, but my internal eyes were definitely seeing and feeling something new.  “Show me your secrets,” I asked.  “Your knowledge.  Your creation.  Your magic.  Show me how my bliss truly transforms, and enables it for others.  Show me.”

I saw how much self-doubt, fear, and insecurity I’d been carrying my whole life. And I wanted it gone in that instant.  I wanted the miracle of divine intervention, for lightning to strike my belly – zap, zap, zap – for transformation and change to occur immediately.  And my power said, Okay, it’s done.  It’s never been undone; you just keep throwing shit on it that you have to remove.

Hmmm.

In that moment I realized that my wise, all-knowing power will never allow me the relationships I most desire until I acknowledge the full extent of my power, my Divine Feminine, my love for myself.  She’s been waiting patiently, unwaveringly, feeing my pain and angst…but she won’t give in on this one.

saraswati, sonja picard. http://www.sonjapicard.com

‘saraswati’, sonja picard (sonjapicard.com)

Breathe.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Keep breathing.

I don’t have to understand ‘why’ or ‘how’. I don’t have to analyze or intellectualize my power centre and the knowing that resides there.  So many definitions of my self and spirituality have been (mental) concepts.  The time has come for communing with God through the belly.  Its fire melts away all the superfluous stuff in the background – all that is not love. I don’t have to do anything; I can enjoy this process.  All the old beliefs can be dropped, I was told.  They were never even real to begin with.

I realized that the most terrifying thing of all is not being there for myself.  Why has it been so hard to be there for myself?  To have my own back, first and foremost?

***

Why some people seem born with a strong sense of self, and not others – it doesn’t matter.  It is in everyone, to be discovered eventually.  We are all lotuses emerging from the waters.   There is no sense in thinking about what I used to be like, or what could happen in the future.  Enjoy this beautiful stage you are in now.  It will create more beauty.

I create it to share it.

Regarding the man who seems to have sparked this dialogue…even at the time I knew it wasn’t about him specifically.  But he drew my attention to something in me that was screaming for attention.  The emotional discomfort was so strong that I had no choice but to pay attention.

And I am so thankful to discover how essential it is for me to allow the power I couldn’t previously access.  And how it relates to the Divine Feminine, which is personally very important.  “No man (or woman) has the power to destroy me”, I realized with great relief. I am indestructible.  Yet I have never been more open.

I no longer accept feeling ‘gutted’ as the norm…bottomed out, hollowed out. No.  With a strong spiritual sun, spirit cannot leave me. My sun forever holds my spirit in place.

33 thoughts on “i want my power back

  1. Wonderful heartfelt work you’re doing with words on this blog, and in your journey — making yourself vulnerable is a risk and brave act, and a powerful way to live.

    Thanks for visiting my blog. I’ve added you to my blogroll because I want to return to read more. Next year’s Druid East Coast Gathering in Milford, PA has the Goddess as its theme, and She won’t let me go, though I haven’t made much room for her in my practice. So your writing (and your visit to my blog) is most timely!

    Thanks again, and do keep writing!

    ADW/A Druid Way

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    • i love this because you have no idea how timely your comment is for me. 🙂 i was just thinking how i haven’t blogged in a while and there is so much to say and so much to catch up on and where to start…

      so i really appreciate your words. it shows me we are all connected and the work of the goddess is like this…once she makes herself known she is always, always here but sometimes we have to retreat so that we can come to this new space, and feel/express her even strongly. retreating and advancing, weaving in and out.

      i will keep writing and i hope you do too. 🙂 thank you, aleya

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  2. I’m speechless. That was my first reaction too and I plan on reading this many more times. It is beyond powerful. I’m knocked over with how beautiful you are because of being so open.

    …………….speechless. My love and appreciation for sharing your journey. Arifah

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  3. Beautiful writing! I loved this post. It is very relevant to work that I’ve been doing the past year of taking back my personal power however I’ve done it in the Toltec way.

    What you write about was insightful as I’m on the Kundalini Yoga path right now, and in that practice its all about the navel point: two opposite energies, the prana and apana meet at the navel center where your power is stored and ignite the kundalini energy up the spine when there is enough energy in the navel directed to the root chakra. I guess you might know that. I’m a bit tired right now, but I wanted to thank you for your wonderful post. I loved reading your realizations: They give me things to ponder 🙂

    Much love,
    Serafina

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    • hi serafina, thank you for commenting and for your kind words. i’ve been doing kundalini yoga on and off for years (at yogawest!) but wasn’t aware of the process/specifics you write about above. i do know that stretch pose has always been soooo challenging for me; i’d just give up because i was struggling within seconds. (i much preferred the classes focusing on the heart chakra up – lol). KY was my first true yoga love and each year i think about doing the TT. it’s on my list – one day! 🙂 i am really glad you enjoyed my post and again thanks for taking the time to comment. sat nam, aleya

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      • Hello!

        Stretch pose is a challenge for many people and in the TT we’ve been taught some secrets. I’m planning a post on the navel point and will be talking about some of the tips to make it easier. I’ll let you know when I publish it. 🙂

        For a long time I avoided breath of fire and stretch pose ~ now I avoid life nerve stretch lol

        Perhaps one day we will run into each at YogaWest; the teacher training is amazing. It lines up for all the people who are meant to be there pretty effortlessly usually.

        Sat Nam ❤

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  4. your words always make my cheeks rise aleya. very interesting. you capture the moment so succinctly. i think we all have moments like these. others maybe sublimate with addiction/food/compulsions. i think when you become aware of your chakras and what they need, you get uppity in tune with them. or, at least i do. i don’t know how many times i have mouthed the words “mother f*#cker” in poses lately. anyways, im rambling, and i came on here to say something about your post.

    i have been learning that we draw to us who we NEED at that time. not who we necessary want. these people push places in us. scary spaces. and it makes you move on it! like this man did you. he stirred you, and even though it doesn’t always feel good, it was needed. as well, i feel people in tune with energy can take on the energy of these individuals, and this can be almost ravaging. i can feel the demons in others. if i get too close, i find it hard to differentiate where my darkness lies and what they own?

    in moments like those, like what you describe here, i listen to beats. big ones that move me out. then, you are smooth sailing, for a little while anyways 😬

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    • YES for sure, i am always so thankful for these people/events, because nobody ‘does’ anything to us that we don’t allow, or that we don’t need on some level. i needed a little (big) push to see and feel what i’ve been longing for a long time, ie, a more visceral sense and knowing of my power. and after that day, that experience has not left me. after that walk i knew something life-changing had happened. now- what do i do with all this extra energy? hah.

      the music does help – your post today reminded me of that. music and yoga and all those things that make us feel good and healthy in ourselves. i can see now where i have been slacking off a bit, and my system wants to be engaging in those activities which contribute to my vitality – not those that drain me, make it easier to get swept up in other people’s stuff. it’s kinda exciting despite the gnarly moments. 🙂 thank you as always for your insightful and supportive comments. aleya

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  5. Oh wow….I have been on EXACTLY the same journey the past couple of months!!! It started with questioning my lack of self-belief which brought on an escalating stomach cramp/solar plexus pain trip that led me all sorts of places…still ongoing but I’m so happy that it’s finally awoken!
    Here’s to our power! 🙂
    x

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  6. Woo-hoo! Now THAT was fabulous! Its not always easy to be so honest, but when you are, it touches so many. And the whole breath thing….for me it wasn’t really breath at all, but what breathing DID….and what WAS that? I learned I could move that energy without breath. The core essence of breath is like the breath inside of breath….not physical breath but soul breath. Prana. But I am a pathless person….I want it direct. But yes, I have to admit that breath does help when tied up in knots.

    I am so glad you were able to engage in such a creative act as TAKING it back. And really isn’t that what its about? We think we are weak because we don’t deserve it or for whatever reason we want to come up with, but at the end of the day so much is just a conceptual barrier to our fulfillment as beings here, touching what we are in greater scales, realizing what we are. So being so close to the surging ocean and all the life blossoming around you all the time I’d think that would be such a great inspiration!

    You made my day sistah! Great post!

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    • soul breath…i like that! prana. a while back i read or heard that not breathing is a refusal to live life, it is saying no to life, and this struck me. it is only half-living, and not just in the literal ‘being alive’ sense. sometimes we hold our breath not to feel, but this never works as the energy just stagnates somewhere. and either festers or screams to get out.

      funny that you mention all the life blossoming around me as i walked…i didn’t write about it but there was so much going on. red and yellow and gold leaves everywhere. ducks on the hill. seals in the water. cyclists asking me to take their picture. birds overhead. and of course the water. it was a grey day, but placid and peaceful. like there was soooo much going on underneath the calm.

      i love your comment! 🙂 thank you! aleya

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      • I was writing almost the same thing not long ago….we hold our breath when we refuse something, we “keep breathing” when upset or trying to move beyond something…yes…and yet…it is the essence of what is contained in breath that fascinates me and pushes me forward. Oh! And my goodness, you just went to Italy! I hunger for that place, from boot tip to boot top!
        Wait; I’m not following your blog? How can that be? Fixed!

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        • the essence of what is contained the breath…i’m really liking that. amazing how something so seemingly simple could have power beyond what we can imagine. and yes, italy was amaaaazing; a sweet adventure. feels like another lifetime ago! (but in a a good way.) thanks so much for your comments – and for the follow too! 🙂 namaste, aleya

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  7. I need to take those long walks, without a leash on hand, without a phone… perhaps iPod, sure! I usually get a sudden surge of ‘light’ when I’m driving, and it’s not often safe – either I go into a daze or I suddenly jolt – both annoying to the other drivers. xp

    My masseur once told me (here I go again with my masseur – he is simply awesome!), that I have core imbalance. And we both know he means physically and metaphorically. And while I am only imbalanced there, I am so out of whack with my root chakra, my Muladhara, that is often not there to begin with!

    I often wonder how we have led such a robotic or cocooned life that we weakened our very essence, our beings. Then I wonder how it is for those who have NOT realized that they are mere robots and living in a cocoon in such a superficial world… and this is only superficial because they don’t really see and feel and be…

    I’m at ease with your enlightenment, sweets… may you keep transforming and share you light with us continuously… call me selfish, but I want to bask with your light!! xo

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    • i know what you mean…those first three centres, red orange yellow. they take forever to build up – lol. my sixth and seventh – no problem! but what good are they when there is not a strong foundation to ground them? then i’m just floaty and spinny and not really present in the physical world.

      well like i said i’m not going to define myself as i have in the past, so i do believe things are balancing out at their own perfect time, for me. but it means letting go of the mental stuff which i think is hard sometimes as it’s letting go of control – the way we’ve always ‘known’ things, we have to surrender that and trust a new way of knowing that is still forming.

      i love your always thoughful comments, soul sister. thank you. oh and i think it’s pretty common to space out and get insights/universe downloads while driving. 😉 xo

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  8. That’s so funny to me that you were resistant to deep breathing! It’s so strange, the things we make up that hold us apart from what we truly want.

    The concept of not having to choose between the things we want first came to me this summer in Secrets of the Millionaire Mind. I had never realized that growing up, I couldn’t have it all, I had to choose one or the other. But what do millionaires do? They choose BOTH. That was a forehead slap moment. Abundance means choosing and claiming BOTH things you want, whether it’s a spiritual dilemma, financial dilemma…it doesn’t matter. BOTH is an option!

    Breathing is a big deal though. Breath is life. One thing yoga taught me is that I don’t know how to breathe well. When I first started my yoga practice, my breathing was so shallow and fast paced that it’d take me half the hour session just to get my breath halfway sorted out. Now deep breathing is something I do all the time and it’s my #1 go-to method of de-stressing, coupled with a mantra. My favorite mantra to use is ” Thank you for ______.” and fill in the blank with whatever you want to take place. It’s incredibly powerful!

    Brilliant post my dear, love ya and sending you some powerful, progressive Divine Feminine energy!

    ((((Hugs)))) and joy rising,
    Jackie

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    • yes to BOTH! now i see it everywhere – the tendency i’ve had to ‘have to’ choose. ‘well i can’t have it all, so something’s gotta go’. all this conditioning! i see it everywhere now. it is scarcity; not enough to go around. the old ‘if i have it all, then it gets taken away from someone else’. instead of, if i can create more, it’s more for others to create with. we can all share it and grow it. major lightbulb and i love that you were getting those same insights in a different way this summer.

      and the breathing, i know…it’s funny how our essence is there but i’ve been resistant to fully going there. hmmm…lol. (what would abe say?) it’s the attachment and familiarity with the mind, a discomfort with being still since internal chatter is the norm. the mind is a useful tool, but tools malfunction with overuse. perhaps a fear of our own immense power!

      btw i thought of you this weekend, i was visiting family down in the states and someone mentioned an artist who paints images of horses ‘hidden’ behind colorado mountain landscapes. 🙂 lots of love, divine sister. xo

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  9. It’s relate-able. I feel I connect with your experiences very deep, probably I feel often that way. I too feel strongly connected to the divine feminine power when ever I sense losing myself. I think this is quite natural as are women. Woman’s power is so vast that no one could ever imagine. Her compassion is her strength. She has the ability to love a man despite man’s ego which often plays upon her. She has the power to forgive and love there after. She holds the ability to hold herself back when she is deeply hurt. She can hide her tears and spread smiles wit out even complaining. She is like Shakti, always by the side of Shiva for the highest purpose. She tends to underrate herself because she was never told how indispensable she is for the whole creation. She is LOVE, meant to be shared endlessly.

    Aleya, we are women and made like that. Love is in our nature. And however we feel our power, it always goes in spreading love.

    Many thanks
    Purnima

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    • ah, so beautiful. i love that you relate to this and your words are so moving. i can see that many of the things i considered ‘weak’ qualities of woman are actually the most powerful of all – as you say, a power so vast it is unimaginable. and once we get a little flicker of it, it is ignited within and cannot ignore it any longer. purnima, i am happy to share this journey with you. love, aleya

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      • Hi Aleya

        Glad to know that the thought triggered yet another aspect of your being. You know, since we all are the same, so we kind of complete each other’s energy levels when we share and see in light. I am happy to share my journey too, with you. And you have shown me mirror many times through your very powerful words. I have also seen that your heart is the strongest part in you, and you must listen to it as much as possible. You must also feel it’s moments 🙂

        I guess…. this is enough for now.

        Thank you!

        Love
        Purnima

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  10. Wow, this is a powerful post and you describe your experience so well. So glad that you recognised your power, your deep, Spiritual Self-self. . You are so right that we can be our own ‘enemies’, unable to recognise our own power and perception and action detracts and distracts
    Did you know (you probably do) that the ‘belly’ as you say, under the solar plexus chakra, is the Tan Tien, the energy store, where our energy gathers and is seated and centered… it is the focal point of our chi, our energy. It sounds as those yours activated and virtually exploded this day 🙂
    Many Blessings x

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    • thank you heidi! i hadn’t heard of the tan tien before – that makes total sense and resonates with my experience. i had been virtually ignoring this energy store because i assumed i didn’t have it, so why bother? it had to scream very loud to get my attention and the only way i heard it is because i saw how scary it was to continue letting my mind run my life. i do know that there are more practical actions i can take to continue to harness this energy, to focus on it more. but now that i have a glimpse of what resides there, these decisions will be easier for me than in the past, and will come from a place of intrigue, not obligation. much love! aleya

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      • Patterns of habit are entrenched and our mind-ego does not want to let go, even when we are not happy. Only when the pain of NOT doing something overcomes the fear of change, are we able to take those new steps… this is what happened with you. I have been through something similar, in different circumstances.
        You might want to read my latest post, and some of the comments in reply to a fellow blogger, on my Eagle and the Serpent blog – may give you further info. I wrote this and then found your post 🙂

        http://reikiserpent.wordpress.com/2013/11/30/the-hara-line-chakras/

        Light & Blessings x

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