Fire has been on my mind a lot lately. It’s partly the talk of April’s cosmic intensity, but it’s also the desire to feel my own inner fire. To have it burn so strong and steady that I don’t question myself about anything anymore.
I want my life to be fuelled by that glowing, beautiful fire within. The fire that can be trusted to stir, ignite, heat up…but never harm or burn.
My inner fire is my inner voice. My inner voice is my heart.
For many years, I didn’t trust my heart. Somewhere in childhood, I began to rely quite heavily on my mind, my brain. I was always the smartest in school, and this became my ‘thing’. My brain was consistent. It was my trusty friend, and it wouldn’t let me down. It delivered.
My heart, on the other hand, was not so safe and predictable. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it shut down, but I recall many incidences where it became increasingly weighed down and stifled. I think many of us can relate to this. It’s not always just one thing that closes the heart; it’s more like it gives up after a string of defeats.
When we don’t feel our heart, how can we possibly trust it?
Throughout my teens and twenties, I saw myself as someone with a weak heart. Lots of physical ‘facts’ backed this up: a slight heart murmur, my Ayurvedic constitution, a lack of vitality, weak chi. I often felt awkward around people; I was an introvert, and small talk was painful. (That last part is still true.) I was envious of friends who could so easily connect with others.
When I was told I was ‘reserved’ or ‘angry’ and advised to ‘open my heart’, this lent to my sense of inherent wrongness, that my heart was somehow deficient. I felt transparent, like everyone could see right through me.
But – awareness is a wonderful thing, and I’m now questioning all that bullshit.
Of course I have a heart, and of course it’s strong, and of course it’s giving me guidance all the freakin’ time, and of course I can hear it. It may seem to speak softly…but it’s actually roaring.
The fire I’m feeling is my heart coming alive, my inner voice and authority becoming louder and clearer.
It’s time to let my heart take the reins. To trust that it’s been there all along. It’s the one thing that can provide true solace and guidance in these times of flux and change. My brain has been in control for so long, serving and protecting me well in many ways. But I must release some of that control, on the faith that something far more vast and powerful is available to me.
My heart was never really closed or hardened, because the heart cannot be those things. It can only be obscured – ignored, forgotten – to the point where it seems inaccessible. Its fire can become dimmer and dimmer, but that original spark, no matter how small, will never completely extinguish.
I’ve been intent on leveraging April’s potent energies to create what I really want. But it’s not just about lists and goals and external manifestations. The most meaningful creation must emanate from the heart-space. And this is about how I want to feel in life, more than anything: peaceful, steady, centered, trusting, vibrant, alive, passionate – and yes, oh-so-fiery.