releasing my debt

This seems to be the summer of saying what I need to say, no matter how terrified I am to say it.

A couple of weeks ago, it was calling my family members and acknowledging how I truly felt about…everything.

I’ve long played the role of the ‘good’ daughter, not wanting to make waves or hurt or offend anyone. But because I couldn’t express all parts of myself – the darker, more unpleasant things – I kept them within. And there was a lurking, hard resentment building as a result.

I’m getting that when I feel such resentment towards people, they know it on some level. They feel it. And no amount of smiles or sunny disposition can cover it up. And that hiding, that suppressing, is way more harmful (to everyone) than expressing myself outright.

When I shared with my family that I had blamed and resented them for things from the past, it was said with such a desire for love, peace, and harmony with them in the NOW. And they could actually feel that, because in that moment I was expressing all of me. They could feel that authenticity and, in turn, they welcomed what I said with love.

It’s the time to stop playing roles, and live who we CREATE ourselves to be. Not who we, or others, have thought we are. I feel that a huge weight’s been lifted from my shoulders. Like something that was struggling to get out of me is finally releasing.

***

A few nights ago I did something that I never thought I could do. I told a group of 30+ people about my financial debt. I gave them the breakdown of how much I owe, and to whom. I stated the total amount.

My money situation has always been my ‘dirty little secret’. The thing I’ve keep hidden. The shame has kinda paralyzed me. It’s the story I’ve allowed to rule my life.

I revealed all this on a coaching/leadership call as part of a workshop series I’m doing on integrity (an extension of the Landmark workshop I did a couple of weeks ago). Now that I won’t be receiving a regular paycheque – I’m starting school next week – it is time to really clean up the money stuff.

It’s not that being in debt equals a lack of ‘integrity’ as most people define the word, i.e., integrity in the ‘moral’ sense. It’s more that the stories we have about ourselves (because of our financial debt) reinforce our feelings of shame and powerlessness.

Integrity is wholeness and completeness. Powerlessness and shame are not.

If my underlying feeling is that ‘I have no willpower’…how empowering is that?! No wonder most of our efforts end in self-sabotage!

My debt had become loaded with so much. It was weighing me down. Being able to share the numbers with a group of relative strangers, especially those I couldn’t see, was…well, I can’t say it felt good at the time.

But – in the hours leading up to that call, I couldn’t wait to get it off my chest. And now, knowing that once again I’ve had a conversation and spoken words I would have never fathomed speaking just a short time ago, I’m feeling lighter. Seeing those numbers as ‘what is’, and not a negative reflection of me.

I know that more and more of these conversations are possible. And it’s those conversations that facilitate real transformation.

It’s like I’m pushing myself to see how far I can go. How much I can trust people. Ultimately, it’s showing me that I feel safe with myself. Knowing my world will not fall apart when I say what hasn’t been said before. Love will still be there.

Boundaries are good. Barricades are not. I’d isolated myself in many ways, and gotten used to going at it alone.

This sharing feels good. It’s kind of addictive. It’s letting life in.

46 thoughts on “releasing my debt

  1. Really wonderful, Aleya. You shine with truth, integrity, hope in the midst of the mess (I hope the mess has been clearing). Just love how you were able to express your truth with love and respect, and the wisdom you excavated on what the $ debt was doing to you. Timely, as you sought to release the emotional debt you felt your loved ones owed you. You can link back to this post alongside your signature on your guest post – if we reach that point, hopefully. =)

    Xxxx
    Diana

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    • hi diana, thank you for your words <3. that was a huge turning point for me. so much has changed on, all levels, these past couple months and i'm rolling with it the best i can. it can be stressful but ultimately i'm so relieved to be letting go of so much, and letting more in. i would love to guest blog…as of november, things are looking good! much love, aleya

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  2. Wow, read this at just the right time….truly. Thank you. I don’t have that much debt (well it depends on how you look at it) but it really makes me feel ashamed…..And I didn’t realize that untill I read your post! Amazing how much shifts for ourselves and others when we speak the truth. Blessings to you!

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    • you’re very welcome ❤ i really believe that sharing with others works miracles in our lives. it wasn't easy for me to put myself out there like that, but since then i haven't felt so horrible about it my situation. thank you! aleya

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  3. Hi Aleya, I really enjoyed reading your candid post about being honest with ourselves and making progress. That quote from Abraham Hicks is very empowering. Glad I found your post today! – Lena

    Felinecreatures.com

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  4. I love this. Financial debt can be such a burden and to release it into the world must be a relief. There’s such a stigma against talking about finances and debt so to be open to talking about it is great. I also have a ton of financial debt in student loans and I hate it. It’s such a source of discouragement. Thank you for being courageous and talking about it and having that conversation.

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    • totally! there is a stigma but there are so many of us in this situation, locked up in our painful feelings about it. the release is a huge relief; since i’ve had that conversation things have not been the same and while i don’t take the debt lightly, there is certainly WAY more lightness and objectivity about it all. the energy that went into feeling bad about it is freed up and i know i can deal with it. thank you for reading and commenting. i love your posts! ❤ aleya

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  5. You touched on a lot of wonderful elements here. I love the idea that in the release of the debt their is room to receive, refuel, replenish, renew even. That seems like a key pocket to liberation right there.

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    • beautifully stated – it has been very liberating to have that conversation. i do feel it freed up room for so much more to flow in…like connection and trust in others. the response has been wonderful. many of us have felt alone in those feelings. thank you for your comment, i’m glad my friend the shamantracker introduced me to your blog! namaste, aleya

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    • thanks narelle! it’s been incredibly freeing to get that ‘out’ of me. i know that so many of us are/have been in this situation and want to be free of the stories we’ve had about ourselves and money. i was inspired by your posts on the money seminar. i just had my group meeting…it’s so important to have a community where we can have these conversations and trust that we’re all capable of creating breakthroughs for each other. ❤

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  6. Of course! I can relate to this so deeply. I too have debt that is the old ball and chain. It creates this feeling of guilt and cycle of why did I do that? I know there is a reason for all of this and I deeply believe just like in my past many times that it will be relieved when the time is right. Thank you for being vulnerable and making us feel like we are not alone. I am proud of you for letting it go and sharing it and releasing your shame. Thank you for sharing so beautifully. ❤

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    • you are so welcome my dear, thank you for sharing here too! there are so many of us in the same situation and all our secrecy and self-blame just makes us feel worse. the money situation just ‘is what it is’ and we don’t have to do associate it with that heavy ball-and-chain feeling anymore. sending you tons of love, soul sister. xo.

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  7. Another awesome post. I totally feel you on the debt thing. I feel it it too – “dirty little secret.” And almost angry because the debt it associated with a degree that I don’t necessarily use and the number seems so unreasonable that I almost feel justified in ignoring it. Thank you so much for sharing with us. You are such a blessing!

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    • oh i soooo get what you are saying about the degree! funny how we can know that ‘what’s done is done’ but still get pulled in those states of wishing we’d done it differently. oh well. i’m glad we’re all sharing this with each other. makes it easier to know we’re far from alone in this situation. thank you! ❤ aleya

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  8. Hi Aleya, I love how you live your purpose. You are one integrated woman. There’s a texture to your voice; it is consistent and sturdy. You must have a lot of earth energy. The kind of energy that can turn a deficit into a surplus in no time – just my little opinion. 🙂 ❤ Ka

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  9. Aleya, your articles are so relevant and inspiring! Thank you again for sharing your stories and letting us in! Keep up the great work, you’re impacting more lives than you know.

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    • hey josh! thank you for reading my posts, and for your kind words. 🙂 i hope you are well and enjoying september so far. it’s such a beautiful time of year in this city! aleya

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  10. You are such a light being, Aleya! No wonder to me that you’ve been so moved to release the heaviness you had around debt. (I keep getting the sense you’d felt indebted emotionally with it too, as if perhaps you owed people a part of yourself.) And how wonderful that you are sharing so much of your beautiful journey with us! Thank you, and kudos to you for moving forward!!

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    • you are most welcome, and thank YOU for being part of the journey! we are all learning from each other and i so appreciate your reading and commenting. it is true, there was a lot of heaviness around the money and that has affected other areas of my life. but i am happy the clouds are parting and a new vantage point is being revealed. 🙂 namaste, aleya

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  11. Haha 🙂 Luved your post Aleya, and respect everything you are going through. You are such a beautiful person, and that lovely smile of yours shines from your very being (that cannot be fake even if you think it’s just ‘covering up’…)
    Being honest with others is most of all about being honest with oneself, and as you said it as well, when we learn to trust others we learn to trust ourself.
    And we learn that no secret is big enough that the world can’t take it 😉
    Thanks so much for sharing Sis, sending you much ❤ xox

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    • awwww wasn’t it around this time last year we actually met in person? wow! things are changing! 🙂 ❤ thank you for your comment, it really brought a smile to my face (as your comments usually do!). i hope to see you again on that side of the world, sooner rather than later. lotsa love to you xo aleya

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  12. My chickpea is embracing the fire, oh how the heart sings!!!
    I must be forthright here, I sense such a change in your energy and your “voice.” Your writing voice is infused with such a different energy, there seems a power and a courage emerging. It really is an honor to witness anyone’s transformation, and yours is shining bright here, Aleya. Dancing in the Flames! Thank you. ❤ ❤ ❤

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  13. OMg first Shree revealed her soul and I saw mine and now you. I carry my debt like a secret shame, and on some level I feel like such a miserable loser and failure. You have so much courage. I just have no idea what to do about it. I just push it aside and try and stay in gratitude and be hopeful.

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    • i was asked how i wanted to feel about money and i said ‘freedom’. and i was told that freedom would not come from making the payments. freedom would come when i released the shame and powerlessness associated with the numbers. the numbers are just ‘what is’ and can be dealt with. once we stop blaming ourselves and telling the stories. it’s abe-ish, but in a different way.

      i truly know how it is…sending love ❤ ❤ ❤

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        • landmark helped me with that in a really profound way. i really got that my stories about myself mean nothing. this was unsettling to me, as i had to let go of all my why’s and analyses and ‘lessons’ and ‘meant to be’ and all other ideas i’d made up to make sense of the world- from a very young age.

          but this means the bad feelings i’d developed about myself don’t mean anything either. hard to explain…but i’m feeling that shame itself doesn’t have power or mean what it once did. it’s just a story that i’ve strengthened for so long that it’s become real. but it was never real.

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  14. This is so timely…wow, I really felt what you were saying…it is really interesting how much debt can be connected to our emotional well being, especially as women…thank you for sharing your journey. ❤

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  15. “…the stories we have about ourselves.” A speaking coach and mentor, very early in our relationship, counseled me on the value and importance of telling our deepest, darkest secret(s). He encouraged: It is only from that point of disclosure that we can truly move forward.

    There exists so much potential for growth and development when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, authentic, humble, and who we really are. Bravo, Aleya. You’re growing into your self. 🙂

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    • i would never know how freeing it is, till i actually did it myself! it’s so true…breakthroughs happen when express what we really, truly thought we couldn’t. thank you eric! 🙂 aleya

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  16. You continue to inspire me with your integrity and willingness to be vulnerably, uniquely, YOU!!
    I have loads of debt too, don’t tell anyone, but it is not my biggest secret.It once was a source of shame. Telling others what I think, well that has never been my issue, lol! I have learned that it does not have to impact my daily life, other then I always make timely payments and do not get behind. I figure that every dime I have spent was worthwhile and I did the best I could when I charged much more than I earned 🙂

    Keep growing and taking healthy risks Aleya and best of luck and fun at school.

    love ya,
    Linda

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    • thanks linda ❤ it sure feels good to get lighter and lighter! i'm glad you're a part of this journey, september is sure to be a month of new and big changes. and yes i think i will have fun at school. now that it's happening, i'm excited for it all! xo aleya

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