the rising voice (speaking my truth pt. 3)

I’ve just completed the second module of my Kundalini Yoga teacher training program. Once again, twelve of us yogis were cocooned for five days in a big rustic house overlooking the ocean, immersed in deep teachings while eagles flew overhead and community members lovingly prepared us delicious meals.

I was not looking forward to this module. I knew my resistance was the ego’s fear that change was coming, and that I would be put majorly out of my comfort zone. I dreaded doing what could not be avoided: getting up in front of a group of people to practice teaching Kundalini Yoga.

I felt nauseous every time I thought about it. My head spun and my heart pounded. I felt shaky. I even cried at one point. Though I’ve spoken in front of groups of people before, this was different. I couldn’t put on a persona here. I had to be authentically, vulnerably, me. The stakes felt bizarrely high, too. This was a dream ten years in the making…what if I choked?

Starry Flower of Life, Elspeth McLean

Starry Flower of Life, Elspeth McLean

Well, I did choke. On our second day, we individually chanted a mantra out loud, providing each other feedback on our tone, pitch, and pronunciation. When it came to my turn, my voice wavered so much I could barely make it through. When I opened my eyes, there was such compassion and love in the faces around me. I was embarrassed and somewhat heartbroken.

I went within and became present to the deep emotions that had come up. Aside from the normal nerves of the situation, the experience had triggered something from my family and cultural upbringing. Women were not encouraged to raise their voices, to speak loudly and freely. I’ve never really had a place where I could just let my voice go. Being in the spotlight heightened just how foreign it felt.

I sensed all this in my genetic line…an ancestry of women whose voices were chastised and clipped. I felt the grief of those who loved to sing.

I now had the opportunity to transform all that. To lovingly accept the fear, and allow myself to move through it. To trust in the support of my group and know that it is safe to be heard, loud and clear.

Over the next few days, I had a couple more practice sessions. The nerves were still there, but they had lessened. My voice began to emerge and I was even having fun. There was a remembering of doing this before…an ancient knowledge awakening within.

In Kundalini Yoga it’s emphasized that our personality is not teaching – ‘the teacher’ is. We take the role of teacher and share the information so that others can experience their own inner teacher. ‘Aleya’ may be riddled with fear – but the teacher aspect of her is not. The ego must step aside.

Becoming a yoga teacher is a goal I’ve had for years, but the training couldn’t have happened a minute sooner than it did. I had to explore many things in between – different courses, workshops, and studies. I had to be primed and shaped to receive these powerful teachings, to carry them forward responsibly and with integrity.

I’m reminded that the universe doesn’t forget what’s deep in our heart. We must do our part, then surrender to its timing. Even if we feel something strongly in our blood and bones, we may still need patience, practice, and humility to bring it to fruition. It is then that we truly appreciate it.

I still have some months of training to go, but I feel I conquered a beast this last round. I’m inspired to share what I’ve learned and feel blessed to serve in this way.

Sat Nam (Truth is my identity)

37 thoughts on “the rising voice (speaking my truth pt. 3)

  1. Pingback: when the student is ready… | alohaleya

    • Thank you! I have my next training session coming up soon, as well as my practicum, and I am still feeling the nerves big time! This whole training has been a roller coaster ride. xo

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  2. That was beautifully written, as always, and deeply moving. You can give a voice to of all the goddesses who may have not had one. It is amazing that this is your Life’s work. This is it, you have arrived, and from my vantage point, at a young age. Your work as a Yogi will transcend the mundane certainly. Writing will be a part of it. ❤

    So happy for you. Thank you for allowing me to share in the experience.

    Namaste
    Sindy

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  3. So glad you are finding the courage to give expression to those voices of past generations of women to find expression. That always takes one outside of her comfort zone. Reminds me of W.H. Auden, “We have made for ourselves a life safer than we can bear.”

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  4. Thanks for sharing this, Aleya. The moment of faltering is familiar to me– being tied-up in knots over having to do something semi-publicly that feels as though it touches deep places within. We can become uncertain about providing access… It takes a great courage to do so… I’m glad your group was so loving and supportive. That sounded like such a great moment– realizing you were held by those around you. It does me wonders just experiencing it through your story here… You will make a great teacher…

    Peace
    Michael

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    • Michael, thank you for your comment. It was a huge moment for me and I can feel that something changed direction within…I was given a new access point for what’s possible. I am blessed to be with such a loving group where everyone is letting down their walls and sharing their vulnerabilities. We all have such a genuine desire to be of service to something much greater than ourselves and I feel honoured to teach these ancient and timeless practices.

      I wish you all the best for a wonderful 2016! Aleya

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  5. Hi Aleya,
    I love how you really go through the process here. There’s the challenging, frightening process – and you come through it. The body expresses our brokenness (our voice) until we recover our strength in the flow. The flow that helps the strength appear, and the group all around you ~ as guides of love, looking upon you. I just love this piece!
    Blessings~
    Ka

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  6. Happy new beginnings, sweets. =)
    Most times, we tend to find reasons to justify things that happen or doesn’t happen to us. Hoping to make us feel better by pointing onto something, take away where the fault lies in ourseves. We all do this. It just makes it easier.
    But we need not know all the reasons why such things happen or doesn’t happen. It is just is. Usually the reasons are best revealed when we do not expect it; only because at that moment when they are revealed, we are more open and loving with ourselves to accept the true reasons, regardless what they are, good and not-so-good. See what happened with your succeeding practices when you let yourself be, when you need not analyze why… you actually had fun. xoxo

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    • Yes, I agree that we tend to analzye why things happen instead of just allowing them to unfold…I think that’s what you mean? I believe the succeeding practices were easier after I took the time to go within and feel the root of the fear and emotions – and have compassion for that, let go of the outcome. I often feel like my experiences aren’t just my own, that I’m clearing out patterns held in my lineage and ancestry. A long line of women supporting me as we heal backwards and forwards in the line. Ultimately, who really knows…we each do what feels most right and intuitive in the moment. It’s all good! Love, Aleya

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      • It’s exactly what I mean, sweets. We, especially women lol, overthink things, analyze to the nitty-gritty. And for what purpose really? We tend to spend so much effort and energy for something that may not even be the true reason or cause.
        The lineage you speak of – this is what I was getting at. Knowing you carry this lineage doesn’t mean it has to be a heavy baggage. What they were does not mean it has to be you, too. You are your own self, regardless of lineage, ancestry, tradition, customs, beliefs, whatever. You have the power to create your own self to the truest you can be. Not many folks realize they are allowed this power. 😉
        Lovelots, sweets! xo

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  7. This is so great! I had a similar experience today, also with chanting. I know exactly what you mean through and through on many levels.
    Well said! Now I’m biased for my piece, lol.
    Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. I, too, felt the ancient voice and knowledge come into my body tonight.
    Namaste!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you – I love the parallels here! No doubt a deep, cellular awakening is happening in many of us…we are being called to express what we knew so long ago in a world that truly needs these ancient ways of healing. I am in awe of the profound power in mantra! And the VOICE! Namaste, Aleya

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  8. I always look forward to that pure strong loving voice of yours Aleya. This particular passage spoke to me:
    I’m reminded that the universe doesn’t forget what’s deep in our heart. We must do our part, then surrender to its timing. Even if we feel something strongly in our blood and bones, we may still need patience, practice, and humility to bring it to fruition. It is then that we truly appreciate it.

    Please keep us apprised of your progress with the training. I am supporting you and holding you in the light.

    love to you,
    Linda

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    • Thank you dear Linda. My next module happens in March and soon after that I teach my full class, for my practicum. Until then I have a new set of homework and meditations to complete! It definitely keeps me on track. It’s nice to be inspired with ideas for classes and workshops. I also have some other transitions coming up…looks like city life is calling me back! I hope you are having a wonderful 2016 so far. I’m grateful we are all supporting each other thru these majorly shifting times. Love, Aleya

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  9. Awesome and truly inspiring, Aleya!
    There seems to be an importance to the voice on the journey. A few years ago, I suddenly felt very much like singing. So, I entered a choir. Then, I read about shamans in development who have an illness, and when they emerge back from that long illness, they suddenly start to sing. And this singing marks their entry back to the society and that they are healed now and will share many wonderful gifts.
    Thanks for sharing!
    Blessings,
    Karin

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Karin! Thank you for sharing about the shamans and singing. I wasn’t aware of that, and it’s so beautiful. There is so much energy stored in the throat chakra…once it starts to express it feels very freeing and wonderful. I wish you all the best for an awesome 2016, full of blessings and miracles! Aleya

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