delusions in love and money

A couple of weeks ago I returned to my hometown after five months living in a much smaller city. I’m happy to be back. Though my time on the Island was powerful, it was also quite challenging. I missed my native city’s buzz and beauty, and my friends and family.

Wherever you go, there you are. It’s true. Moving to a new location may seem like the solution to our frustrations, but once the novelty wears off we often find our old thoughts and behaviours creeping back in, like weeds growing in our minds. The same dynamics appear, but with new faces and places.

On the other hand, new scenery can give us a reset or fresh perspective. Many people are now being guided to relocate. Maybe we’ve learned all we can where we are, and it’s time to move on.

Personally, so many of my own illusions and delusions came to the surface these last few months, especially in terms of finances and relationships. I became aware of how intertwined my views are on love and money, and where I’ve buried my head in the sand about each. Reality can feel too painful or overwhelming to confront, so we make up stories to avoid it.

Some painted tree posts from my Island 'hood

Some painted tree posts from my Island ‘hood

I’ve never felt totally at home in 3D. I’ve preferred to spend time in realms beyond the physical, seeking the bigger picture ‘why’ of things. But I can see that over-spiritualizing – looking for a spiritual explanation for everything – doesn’t always serve. I’ve dismissed physical reality as somehow inferior to the ‘higher’ realms. It’s all just an illusion.

Yet we are in the physical, material world on planet earth, and my struggle has been with scarcity. Survival. Poverty. Not enough. I’m not enough. This has manifested in bank balances and romantic relationships that could do nothing but reflect this lack. I’ve blamed ‘evil financial corporations’ and fantasized about ‘twin flames’. I’ve been terrified that external sources had so much power over me, and that I couldn’t wriggle myself out, despite my best efforts and intentions.

It’s been essential to dive into my emotions and memories to understand where my limiting beliefs originated, and how I’ve created experiences of lack over and over. I’ve been on my self-healing journey for many years, and in feeling the pain and emptiness for so long (especially these last few months), I’m now sensing that it doesn’t mean anything.

All the stories I’ve told myself about love and money, and my worthiness (or lack thereof) to receive them, about lessons and karma and suffering, are simply not true. It seems like a paradox; we must feel the intense realness of our darkest places, our deepest lack and shame, to realize it was never true to begin with. Not for us, our parents, or our ancestors.

There is grief in this. We’ve invested so much time and energy in our stories, hopes, and delusions that we resist letting them go. We have known and loved those stories, even if they’ve caused pain. Letting go feels risky, as so many of our loved ones are invested in these same stories. We doubt ourselves. What if I’m wrong? What if God’s testing me, to show how much I care? What if I’m quitting two minutes before the miracle?

Letting go means we give up our attachment to being powerless. We don’t get to be so sad and moody anymore. A whole new range of experience awaits, and we have to be responsible. Who knows what that will demand of us!

But holding on to what’s not working eventually becomes so draining that we simply do not have the energy to continue. It’s not worth the consequences to our body and spirit. We have no recourse but to throw in the towel and trust the tiny shred of hope that something greater just might be on the horizon.

I’m open to miracles, 5D living, and quantum shifts in consciousness. Bring it on! But I’m committed to not living in la-la land. I intend to see the physical, material world with more crystal clarity than ever, knowing I have the resources to handle it. I’ll see through 3D’s illusions (and yeah, it is all illusion), so that real truth can shine through.

Happy February!

23 thoughts on “delusions in love and money

  1. A wise and lovely reflection; thank you! I especially liked this: “Letting go means we give up our attachment to being powerless.” The ego most wants to be special and different, even if the “special” story it tells makes an identity out of suffering to achieve that aim. It can be tricky to fully feel difficult feelings — which is necessary on the spiritual path — without identifying with the (often sad and hopeless) stories we have created about them. Blessings on your journey, friend!

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  2. I love this, your writing is so beautiful and touches on sooooooooo much I have been going through (especially the part about the evil large financial institutions that I’m always ranting about and I was OBSESSED about the twin flame thing lol) my latest insta was inspired by the idea of illusion: https://instagram.com/p/BCS6oFbQxt3/. Hopefully that link works. Anyhow, thanks for doing what you do! This post is exactly what I needed to read tonight. My friend and I were just talking about how it can be difficult to find a balance between 3D and 5D😊

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    • My lessons in delusion continue to come…everything inauthentic and not aligned with truth is falling away from my life. It’s both a relief, painful, and uncomfortable. I’m glad to know I am not alone, and I’m happy you found this post at the right time. Thank you for all your comments! ❤

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  3. Really appreciated this post! You are so right about our tendency to make up stories, especially about painful experiences we don’t fully understand. They may be functional in the immediate aftermath, like shock is after a physical injury, but eventually there is a lot of wisdom in admitting that we cannot fully know or understand what happens to us.

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    • Well said! Admitting and fully accepting that we don’t know can be very difficult as we want to make sense of our experiences to heal from them, or prevent them from happening again. But then the analyzations and interpretations never end…our mind will always think of some new explanation. Surrender is one of the hardest and most kind things we can do for ourselves, I think. Thank you for reading and commenting! Aleya

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    • Yes it’s easy to want to escape the craziness of this harsh planet. But becoming too polarized to the spiritual offers its own set of delusions and problems. The whole world needs to find balance, and eventually move beyond the duality.

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  4. Sounds like you are moving into new, embodied space! wondering if your training that you’ve been immersed in played a part. I can resonate for sure with the needing to be in the inner realms to heal but then realizing (and here I’m speaking about myself) that I’ve disconnected from the physical and I need to be engaged with that as well in order to be prosperous in this lifetime as a human being in the world. Look forward to your journey unfolding outward as well as in.

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    • I think the training has played a huge part. The meditations we’re doing for homework are designed to clear out the subconscious (the ‘garbage’) and cut through darkness and illusion. Whatever I’ve been ignoring, I simply cannot anymore. I’ve been feeling my physical body much more, too – through the meditations as well as the actual physical postures. I too have disconnected from my body so all this is quite new for me. But it’s letting me see possibilities where I didn’t before. Thanks Diahann ❤ Aleya

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  5. I’ve had the same struggles with love and money for many years. It took me a long time to realize the root of the issues (my feelings of lack of personal worth around my father leaving when I was young). Once I uncovered the root issue it was like a boulder lifting off of me. I was able first to get angry at my father and then to let it go. In the last couple of years I’ve been much more stable financially and I’ve been with a good man for a year and a half now.

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  6. Thanks for this open and honest post, Aleya. It sounds like a lot of old beliefs came up to be looked at, like in a spring cleaning and decluttering phase.
    I can relate to the aspect of feeling that it is just an illusion and then why bother. The thing about the illusion is, though, that only the appearance of separate-thingy-ness is an illusion. The stuff of which everything consists, however, is not an illusion. I remember some Raj(Jesus) channeling by Paul Tuttle stressing this point over and over, that we are not in an illusion but ‘smack dab in the kingdom of heaven’ , because there is no other place, and we just don’t realize it.
    Now, that may be ok to accept for the mind. But it is hard to really feel the gratitude for it, if shit hits the fan, I agree.

    “we must feel the intense realness of our darkest places, our deepest lack and shame, to realize it was never true to begin with.”
    Great observation. I can relate to that. To me, these intense emotions when feeling the darkest place came as a surprising shock.

    I wish you many miracles and synchronicities as your journey continues.

    Peace,
    Karin

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    • Hi Karin, yes – another layer revealed! I’m thinking the Kundalini training has played a big role, as the purpose of the meditations I’ve been doing is to release the ‘garbage’ in the subconscious. Just yesterday I was doing a particularly difficult breathing sequence and my body/mind was severely resisting it. But it hit me – this is all there is. All the distractions/irritations around me weren’t real in the sense that they weren’t ‘truth’. Breath was the only real thing and I was struggling with that, yet relief in the knowing. It was an interesting experience!

      I love what you say about illusion. This is what I have been feeling – it’s an illusion but it’s not. You articulated it very well. It’s an illusion but we came here to experience it, so there must be something deeper going on. It’s not meaningless, though many things to which we assign meaning aren’t truth.

      Thank you for your insightful comment, I love sharing our journeys! Much love, Aleya

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  7. “Letting go means we give up our attachment to being powerless.” Yes! This statement is so on point. As I navigate a lot of changes in my life this month and wade through the depths, I so appreciate what you’re speaking to here. Thank you.

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    • You’re welcome! Yes that was a big one for me. Being powerless feels horrible but at least it is familiar. We don’t have to deal with the discomfort of expanding our wings. Thank you and I wish you lots of ease and flow as you navigate all the big changes. Aleya

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