the heart is not what i thought

After publishing my post on the heart I didn’t know what to blog about next. Everything I attempted to write seemed conceptual and slightly pretentious – ironically, coming from my head and not my heart!

My mind has been my albatross, but for the most part it’s felt more comfortable than my heart or body. The torture of the mind is strangely safe, familiar. At least I know what to expect, and its endless analyses make me feel like I’m in control of my experience. Shifting the power to my heart is venturing into unknown territory. It’s a blank, open space in which the rules are totally different. (And I can’t know the rules in advance.)


Of course living from the heart is about love. But so many of our ideas about love are bound up in the emotions. Most of the time, I don’t walk around in an emotionally loving state. I get highly triggered on a daily basis. And for a long time, I felt bad about this. But at some point I accepted that I just wasn’t capable of more. So I started to take the pressure off myself in situations where I felt upset. Spirit, I can’t feel loving right now, so help me be neutral. Neutrality is the best I can do.

It’s like I thought being neutral would take me into a more ‘loving’ state, i.e., it was step two of three. Trigger – neutrality – love. But through my yoga and meditation practice these past few months, I’m wondering if neutrality is the loving state. Perhaps the heart, at its very essence, is less emotional than I thought.

A neutral heart-space is the gateway for spirit. Divine love can enter more easily when we’re not jammed up with habitual thoughts and emotions (especially self-judgment or self-blame). We have more room to be the vessel for service and healing. We are purer channels of consciousness when our minds don’t hijack the process with ideas of how love ‘should’ look and feel. Neutrality allows higher truth to flow through, and the heart is the portal.

Neutrality can be very uncomfortable. Emotions want to rush in and fill the space, because being ‘empty’ can feel almost cruel, like we’re robotic or don’t care. We’d rather have a negative emotion than no emotion at all! But neutrality is not boring or apathetic or lacking feeling, as I long thought. It’s not suppression or avoidance. Neutrality is the willingness to fully feel all our feelings and let them work through our body and psyche, so that we become more clarified. From there we can access more refined states of compassion and empathy.

Emotions don’t disappear…they are beautiful. But the intense waves subside.

I think we need to be as clear, neutral, and calm as possible these days, in this volatile world. There’s a bigger picture at play – the shadow of humanity is being unearthed, and it’s easy to get swept up in the highly charged fears and emotions. Playing into the collective drama of separation only feeds the perpetual game of duality.

I don’t want to dissociate from the game, but I try to remember my limited human perspective. Staying neutral, while seeing our own shadow reflected around us, is perhaps the most loving thing we can do for ourselves and the planet.

50 thoughts on “the heart is not what i thought

  1. Well-described, Alohaleya! I like the term neutrality because it reminds me of the way this state of being is without a “charge,” almost like in a chemical equation. When I am charged with emotions + or -, then there is reactivity. This baseline sounds dull, but it is anything but, as you convey. Thank you for sharing so neutrally about this…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, that is such a great point – without a charge! That’s how I see it. Not saying emotion doesn’t exist but that extra static dissipates. Thank you Marga! 🙂 Aleya


  2. Hi sweets =)
    I’m glad coming back to read and finding this.

    You call it neutral. I actually never thought of it as that. I call it vulnerability, which is just as much as letting anything and everything that happens, happen. “Neutrality is the willingness to fully feel all our feelings and let them work through our body and psyche, so that we become more clarified. From there we can access more refined states of compassion and empathy.” There’s no struggle wthin, no forcing of expectations, no expectations at all actually.

    Let me be honest, as always lol, your words need more reading since my perception is seeing ‘neutral’ as one of passive state. I’m curiously looking for an emoticon to help you visualize my passive face. I’ve seen it in Viber – hahaha! But I know this is not what you mean. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Honestly, I don’t even know if the words really matter – we all have different perceptions of what a word means to us, so it often complicates things. The English language can be quite restrictive! For me neutrality is not passive though; it takes focused intent and awareness to consciously move out of habitual reactions and attachments and into a more receptive, open (neutral) state to receive love. And by love I mean something that transcends human love – unconditional, divine love, which itself is undefinable! I have yet to experience that state…but I trust this is the journey there. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! 🙂 Aleya

      Liked by 1 person

      • There is love out there that goes beyond descriptive words.One needs to feel it, then you’ll ‘think’ it’s the common love we feel towards others, towards nature, towards life. But it goes deeper than that as time goes on. You so want to put in into words, to say it out loud, let the world know what you are experiencing… but such words feel inadequate, almost to the point of being lame. That love isn’t only a feeling, it is likewise a place, shared by neutral, vulnerable people… a common space where anuthing and everything is possible… because they let themselves be.

        That love is beyond perfect. But you know what? The whole world around these folks may be crumbling, their lives are not laid out in castle… but they have this place to come back to, to feel… … … this is what you are seeking in your journey.


  3. Bringing the head into the heart is one thing, but then staying open to neutrality….a whole other level. You explained it so beautifully. My mind can understand, but my heart…not so much.
    I keep having to remind myself– it’s a practice. And reading posts like yours today really light up the path. Thank you, Aleya! xoxo


    • It is a practice. All the Kundalini homework classes and meditations have forced me to face the insanity and claustrophobia of my mind, and feel the disconnection from the heart and body. Fortunately, the more I practice the more manageable it all seems, though there are major pockets of intensity (as Yogi Bhajan says, clearing out the subconscious garbage).

      Thanks for your kind words, Elysha. ❤ I'm loving your Instagram feed and I must say that I'm so inspired by your yoga awesomeness. And I love NY too! Aleya xo


      • Of course, aren’t you already along with me? Yes, for me writing helps add/uncover another layer. We’ll see how Europe influences me to write, and what I discover along the way before writing. I’ve got ancestral stuff to do, which might be too vague to write about, or too all-consuming to fit into words. I also have some academic interest and an on-going romance with life. Lots ahead. I’m looking forward to learning more, too! I hope the silent retreat I’m attending will help it all come under one umbrella more peacefully. I close my eyes and smile. xo Love you!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m feeling this post. Trying not to get swept away by my emotions as well. Taking it back to my Vipassana retreats and practicing equanimity and mindful detachment when I feel overwhelmed. There are no answers for when we are feeling so much, all at once. It’s a process of discovery, isn’t it?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, it is a process of finding our way through. Emotions are beautiful and I think as women we’re capable of holding and feeling so much…but if we are swept away by them it is hard to feel centred in ourselves. And maybe then we can’t be as powerful a force. I’ve always been a deep feeling person but there’s a tendency to stagnate there because I’m so used to it. I’ve never done a Vipassana retreat. I signed up once in the past but didn’t go through with it as I couldn’t imagine being alone with my mind for that long! But it sounds like a life-changing experience. Thank you, Aleya

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Interesting thoughts, Aleya. The concept of neutrality is not without challenges.It is worth considering certain aspects of the dynamic.

    Existentially, Human Beings are a force that operates and influence within degrees of negativity or positivity. That spectrum spans the points of the complete absence of love to becoming an absolute force of unconditional love. The energetics we feed into the communal flow never cease. We cannot choose to not influence. What we can choose is where in the spectrum we will influence from. Given this perspective, neutrality is not an option. If our purpose is to evolve to and exist as the force of unconditional love, then our consciousness must continually be engaged in that responsibility. Otherwise, ou progress is jeopardized to the point of stagnation.

    Just some thoughts…..

    Enjoy the weekend, Aleya…. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Very interesting Rob! I think I see what you’re saying. I do feel our purpose is to evolve and exist as unconditional love, i.e., neutrality is not the constant state or desired ‘end point’. I don’t think it’s possible to maintain neutrality as there are so many conscious and unconscious influences involved – but I would like more moments of it! 😉 I see neutrality as more as a ‘resting point’, where I can unplug from the attachments, addictions etc of human conditional love and therefore move in the direction/experience of unconditional love. Thanks for commenting, please clarify if I’ve misunderstood! Happy Weekend to you too! Aleya


  6. I can totally relate to this. This neutral space of inner peace feels boring and at times inhuman. It takes some time to get used to this. But you are totally right, we need to let go of what we think love must look or feel or act like and be open to a new perspective from spirit.
    And it might not be the pink-fluff gentle way we might have imagined at first. When I think of my spirit guides, their expression of love can show up as stern, blunt, and pushy, at times.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Karin, I remember your post on this theme – the space of inner peace. And it does take some getting used to. I’ve been really feeling the insanity of my mind lately and maybe it’s because I’m getting glimpses of something new. I know that it will take practice to cultivate this new space and getting to know spirit on another level, experiencing this unconditional love that can only be felt and not written about or described… this cannot be forced and will happen on its own timeline.

      I like that your guides are pushy! We humans need that! 😉 Thank you, Aleya

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: the heart is not what i thought – tiffany being free

    • I love that we are having similar journeys. Something big is happening on this planet and I’m grateful we all have each other to share our experiences. Thank you and much love!


  8. I am a long-driven/suffering from ‘living in my head’ personage – so, while it sounds like you’ve found your own route, I still feel called (by my heart and body, via goosebumps when i thought of typing this comment… LOL) to share with you an item that helped to bridge some of the gaps between my heart/mind/spirit/body – 🙂

    When we experience an emotion – it triggers chemical reactions in our body, which our body gets ‘used’ to – also, when we experience strong emotion, the neurons/and pathways to the memory of said ‘event’ are more strongly ingrained/reinforced – and so – it is all one and when my head doesn’t know the answer, I depend on my heart and body to guide me to safe harbor – and to ignore urgings of body when my mind reminds me I just recently got ‘used’ to certain chemicals from emotions, I don’t really like to engage in –

    When my body is ill and out of balance, I depend upon my heart and head to guide me better – just because my stomach is upset from residual stress, doesn’t mean the latest event means crisis is coming – necessarily – 🙂

    When my heart is hurt/bruised/filled with less than positive or even, neutral, items, I depend upon my head to remember the person I wish to be – and envision each choice and wait for goosepumps, heavy chest, aching back or stone tummy to tell me the wisdom of each choice –

    And when none of the above seem to be working properly – I sit still and remember, “when was the last time I truly sit still and connected with the Divine? – Oops! Better polish that connection – first” LOL – 🙂

    Wonderful post and moving ‘walking meditation’ up on the daily schedule slot – because I still not able to get my body past any but the most basic yoga poses – 🙂 Thanks for the reminder!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow TamrahJo, I love all that! Sounds like you have a very integrated heart/mind/spirit/body system to guide you! That’s inspiring to me as many times I don’t make it past the head stage. 😉 There has been a disconnection with my body that yoga teacher training is forcing me to confront – hah. I’m glad you brought up the emotions and the chemical reactions in the body. For me it’s like my body is addicted to the emotions (and thoughts). They’re the past of least resistance and so it’s a struggle to change those well-worn grooves. Yoga is helping, meditation is helping, but ultimately it’s a process that takes its own time and we only have so much control (if any!) over these things! Thanks so much for the very thoughtful comment! 🙂 Aleya

      Liked by 1 person

      • My motto, Alohaleya? Don’t try to eat the Elephant all at once – find the thousand and one lil nibble-bites you can install, throughout the day, to become ever grander visions of the YOU you wish to be, dream of being, from a multitude of arenas – 🙂

        I’m a big fan of ‘not hard to do – easy to integrate this into my daily routine, for now, don’t have to buy special equipment, be dependent upon someone else staying in biz, to get those support beams I can use to push forth to the next, grander vision of myself – ” – and so, very glad you took my comment for exactly what it was put forth as – “I found this helpful to remember – as I struggle, often, with this journey, too! ” – [hugs and loves to you]

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, and PS, there are many who will tell ya I’m still a *@!$ mess! 🙂 I only put forth for you to think about and see if my take works for you – BIG FAN of Whatever Works! but have learned, what works for me, doesn’t always work for others – 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I have found in my own journey out of being constantly triggered into being full of God’s Presence and the Light of pure Awareness; it is the void, or empty space, or place of neutrality that is a dangerous place to be, to not camp out in emptiness that astral spirits or entities can occupy, but consciously cooperate with filling the empty space with Holy Spirit and holy fire of God. Neutrality and tolerance are the world’s solutions, not our highest and best which is to uncover the truth of who we are, whose we are, and what we are carrying in seed form: the Christ of God, which when watered and nurtured by the Son will grow into a tree of life within us watered by the Spirit of God to flourish, blossom and produce lots of ripe, juicy spiritual fruit: Love, Peace, Joy, Compassion, Lovingkindness, Wisdom, Understanding, Patience, etc.!
    Happy Resurrection! Love and blessings, Yvonne

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t necessarily think neutrality is empty, in fact I think it can be positively pregnant with awareness! I also don’t equate neutrality with tolerance. (Tolerance is one of my least favourite words haha.) For me, neutrality is becoming aware of divine love and, as you say, “being full of God’s Presence and the Light of pure Awareness”. It’s detaching myself from the ideas of love that are conditional or based on attachments. And the truth of who we are flows in to fill that space. Thank you for your beautiful words and message on this Easter holiday! Namaste, Aleya

      Liked by 2 people

  10. I have worked to accept what is. Fight less and live in ease and flow. Drama – gone. It is a wonderful open place of neutrality. I find this a place of comfort and non-judgment.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Beautiful. Not resisting what is but allowing life to flow. Neutrality isn’t passive but allows for that peaceful flow. I’m all for having emotions and I certainly want to feel many things in my life! But it’s a relief to let go of drama. Thank you for reading and commenting. 🙂 Aleya

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Thanks for this fresh perspective. I get triggered all the time too, and work on inner peace so that my sensitivity does not create bad ripples.

    Emotions and thoughts are not bad, they are just not really important unless they interfere with our progress.

    This blog makes me think differently and I like that.
    Thanks again sweetie.


    Liked by 2 people

    • I agree – emotions and thoughts aren’t bad and they can be very beautiful. Mine have been quite draining so it’s a relief to have some glimpses of inner peace now and then. It does require daily practice, that’s for sure. I just feel like I can be a more helpful positive force in the world when I’m able to detach from my own drama, and the drama around me. Thanks Linda, Aleya

      Liked by 2 people

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