the summer of my ancestors

Well, we all know we’re living in intense times. It has been said that 2016 is the year of purification, but it feels more like the decade of purification.

A couple of months ago, I began a 40-day practice of Kirtan Kriya, a Kundalini Yoga meditation designed to clear subconscious patterns buried deep within the psyche. About halfway through my 40 days, I went off Facebook and most social media. I rediscovered my love of fiction, reading books mostly about Indian women and their historical and current lives in India and in the west. I’m obsessed with learning more. It seems this has become the summer of discovering my ancestry.

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As the first generation of my family born in the west, and very much steeped in western culture (aka a ‘coconut’), I’ve vacillated between rejecting my heritage and embracing its more western-approved aspects (e.g., yoga). My Indian ancestors have felt very distant, even non-existent. I haven’t known much about my female ancestors in particular…maybe because I never asked. I viewed them as probably repressed and somewhat backwards. Silent, and living in a less evolved land.

Now I can’t stop thinking about them. Who were these women? What were their lives like? What dreams, desires, and talents did they harbour? What did they suppress in themselves, in order to stay alive? Hinduism, Sikhism, Islam…I think about conquests and conversions. How did they feel about God? About caste and karma? Were feelings even acknowledged in a world of immovable roles and responsibilities? What brought them joy?

I can feel that I hold memories of being restrained, constrained, burned. I see where I’ve felt like a burden, not wanting to ask for too much or take up more than my ‘fair share’ of space…somehow apologizing for my existence. I can feel the bitter resentment of unlived desires. I can also feel the patriarchy and misogyny embedded in my own psyche. In this female, brown-skinned body, I see where I’ve idolized the white male.

I’ve written on this blog about the Divine Feminine rising. Truly embracing Her means owning how deeply we’ve denigrated Her. I’ve uncovered a new layer of this within myself. All I can do is sit with it.

‘Purification’ used to mean cleansing myself of everything I thought made me inferior. But I now view it as the inner and outer distillation of all that is not resonant with highest truth: love. And that means witnessing and experiencing all that is not love within ourselves, and in the world around us.

This entire process requires trusting my intuition and feelings. I do question if I’m making it all up. I doubt my role, if any, in the healing of my lineage. I wonder if ‘purification’ and ‘divine feminine’ are just more new age concepts that distract. I catch myself in spiritual shadow (superiority/inferiority) all the time. I don’t know what a woman’s life is like in present-day India; I don’t want to speak on anyone else’s behalf.

During my 40 days of Kirtan Kriya, I experienced some very dark and hopeless states. But I see now that the meditation did exactly what it was designed to do – bring to the surface what longed to be healed. Though it hasn’t been comfortable, it feels like what I’m here to do, and that brings me peace. I am very grateful for my opportunities to choose and to heal.

If we are in times of purification, then darkness and chaos will continually rise to the surface until every last corner is exposed. I don’t know what will become of humanity, but I know that right now, I must listen to the long lineage of voices rising from within. I’m trusting my feminine instincts on that.

39 thoughts on “the summer of my ancestors

  1. Pingback: full moon eclipse: lightening the load | alohaleya

  2. Wonderful post Aleya, I feel many of us ‘Divine brothers and sisters’ are focusing within now… Acknowledging and embracing everything that is coming up to be released. Not only are we releasing our own darkness but as the last in line, that of our ancestors too… so I resonate with the ponderings of yours. I myself have cut back a lot from social media… Just dabbling enough to continue to inspire others and remain inspired by my divine friends… Love to you, take care x barbara x

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    • Thank you Barbara, I’m seeing how social media had become, for me, a big distraction from doing this important work. And at the same time, it allows us to share our experiences with each other…so it is about that balance. I am enjoying my break right now, going deeper within as new layers of the ancestral/childhood memories reveal themselves. Going to those layers also brings the deep peace and relief that something longing to be expressed finally has the space to do it. So I will keep on. ❤ Much love to you! Aleya

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  3. Another very interesting post. I sure related to your feelings of taking up too much space, apologizing for your very existence, and having unlived desires. I’m increasingly aware of how my roots are deep and my ancestors are seeking to live through me…but they’re running out of time! I’m made to think of this wisdom from Marianne Williamson, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

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    • I think many of on this planet share deep emotions of shame and unworthiness; it seems to be the human condition (regardless of the form we show up in), but one that’s easily suppressed, distracted, made unconscious. Thanks for sharing the Marianne Williamson quote too. Humans have been in darkness for so long, the light – as appealing as it sounds – is unknown and therefore threatening. Even (especially?) in spiritual circles we have no idea what the true light is. Well, I don’t anyway… Thank you Lew, Aleya

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    • Thank you for visiting and comment. So glad to hear that the practice has been giving you strength! 🙂 And what a great way to put it – a portal to life. It is definitely that for me! Sat Nam, Aleya

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  4. Lovely thoughts on growth, self-actualization, and connecting to one’s roots. I went on this quest and sought out my oldest living female relative (90 at the time) for family stories and insights. The tales she had to telll! It was most enlightening and rewarding.

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  5. What a beautiful process. I appreciate that you are always on some path of transformation – or perhaps it is all one path. Lately too I’ve started playing with the benefits of spending less time plugged into social media and being plugged into myself. Amazing all that is starting to come through.

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    • Diahann! It’s wonderful to hear from you. Yes it is quite a layered path of transformation isn’t it. ❤ I am enjoying my time away from social media, though I do feel quite out of the loop… but for now it's very soul-satisfying to tune into myself. I'll resurface sooner or later! I hope you are having a wonderful summer. Aleya

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  6. This is beautiful, Aleya. You are doing DEEP work and getting to the hidden treasures buried under the muck that has accumulated over time. Your light is shining like a sparkling diamond hit by the sunrays finding their way through thick clouds after the thunderstorm has passed through and hard rain washed all the dirt away…
    Staying off FB, WP, social media, any media for that matter (since news is usually bad news) can be so helpful (and needed!) when you’re trying to dive into this level of work. I’ve been in retreat for only a couple of weeks and am just starting to ‘resurface’ but feel I need to stay ‘within’ a lot more. It seems in this reality there’s so much easily distracting us from being who and what we are … and there you are, diving deeper to find out who you really are. Thank you so much for sharing!

    PS: Have you ever talked about Kirtan Kriya before? I’ve never heard of it. Perhaps you’ll share a bit more about it when the time is right?

    LOVE

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    • Such a beautiful comment, thank you dear Gia! It has been a very deep couple of months and I’m glad I’ve taken this reprieve from social media so that I can focus on this work. It’s been a challenge for me to enjoy the wonders of technology without being simultaneously disturbed and affected by the fear, noise, looping images programmed to instil fear etc. It really helps to know there are others who understand and support this work. These kinds of conversations don’t generally happen in my day-to-day world!

      I would love to share more on Kirtan Kriya. It’s a very powerful meditation and I did it for 40 days, for half an hour each day. I will definitey write more about it in another post. ❤ Thank you! xo Aleya

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  7. I don’t know if you’re open to “channeled” material and the concept of reincarnation or not, but some of Lee Carroll’s “Kryon” channelings might resonate with you, particularly his information about the Lumerian Sisterhood. They’re said to have lived in Lumeria (lands said to have sunken beneath the Hawai’ian Islands long, long ago). Much of the information in that regard is directly related to the present re-empowerment of the Divine Feminine.

    Lee’s business partner, Amber Wolf, has a website dedicated to the Sisterhood and there are lots of free audio recordings of Lee’s channelings to them (“Free Audio” link is on the top right of her page):

    http://amberwolfphd.com/lemurian-sisterhood

    I just thought you might be interested!

    Please let me know (via email) if you follow up on this, I’d love to hear your thoughts!

    ❤ ❤ ❤

    With Love,

    Stargazer

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    • Yes! I love Kryon…it’s one of the channels I read regularly because the material is so current, and it truly resonates. I saw ‘him’ live a few years ago and it was great. Thank you for mentioning the Lemurian sisterhood. I’ve been curious about Amber Wolf’s workshops but haven’t delved into the material yet. I’ll take this as a prompt to do that. 😉 I do feel very connected with Hawaii and Lemuria…

      Thanks again ❤
      Aleya

      Liked by 1 person

      • We’ve got em over here! Just yesterday we (a friend and I) were sitting eating an acai bowl and talking with the woman next to us about the scarab beetle hanging around her. I told her, I have a special relationship with these big bumbling bugs and just then one flew up and looked at me eyeball-to-eyeball. I could feel its wing wind. Then it tried to land on my green purse, but it’s body was too heavy, so it fell and then flew away. Hmmm… you already know about the other occasions (most of them!) Then we started talking about how we feel bad for the bugs that everyone goes “ACK!” to. Well, not me. I say “Sage me, baby.” LOL. free to be woo woo to my own tolerance level. LOL.

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        • I believe it too. I had some a huge flying creature land on me today, never seen anything like it before – like a gigantic fat dragonfly with a bright blue and green bulbous body, just staring at me.

          I love it – ‘Sage me, baby’! Xoxo

          Liked by 1 person

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