a selection of true awakening experiences part III

When I received Barbara’s invitation to participate in her third awakening series, I didn’t immediately respond. I hadn’t written about awakening in some time. I hadn’t read about it. My blog itself, describing me as ‘a spiritual girl in the digital world’, had stalled.

What could I share? In the preceding months, I’d actually felt turned off by the concepts of ‘awakening’ and ‘ascension’. It’s like a switched had flipped and I couldn’t connect with what had driven and inspired me for many years.

As I wrote in my last post, the heavier aspects of being human – individually and collectively – weighed on me this year. To write about these things from a spiritual viewpoint, which I’d done many times before, didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to theorize or analyze. I was seeing things from a different perspective, and that perspective was…I don’t know.

My inner pendulum was changing course. Did I truly believe humanity was awakening? Did I have a clue about ascension? Or was I simply repeating what I’d heard and read over the years?

I didn’t grow up in an overly strict religious household, yet as a child I was plagued by the concept of a watchful God that was assessing my every move. As a teenager, the exposure to more metaphysical – aka ’spiritual’ or ‘new age’ – concepts brought me much comfort and hope. Life was far more intriguing travelling this path. The mystical was a language I intuitively understood. It made sense.

But the old concept of God, and the fear of it, lurked within me. And this past year it was triggered, with these two aspects – very simplified as ’religious versus spiritual’ – battling within.

This left me in a place of feeling generally disconnected and disgruntled. Which doesn’t sound great…but there was also relief. Relief in becoming less attached to any belief system, to any doctrine or teaching that attempted to convince me I could know what is ultimately unknowable.

I do know that the day I received another gentle prompt from Barbara to participate in this awakening series, I’d been walking to work that morning with the thought, I want to believe. I want to invite the energies of love, my ancestors, the Divine Feminine, back into my life without the hazy, overlaying fear of retribution that’s been hanging over humanity for eons. I want to feel the mystical and the sacred.

I think periods of disconnect are often appropriate and totally necessary. For so many years, I consumed. Information, books, concepts, digital ‘stuff’. I’ve needed to unplug for a while, to integrate and to delete some of the outdated imprints, downloads, and programs.

My inner pendulum is moving towards centre, finding its own resonance. Maybe, deep under the uncertainty of disconnection, I implicitly trusted that I would feel a restored connection in due time. My relationship the divine is renewing. Writing any more than that ventures into analyzing territory, and I’m not sure it can or needs to be articulated further.

Awakening allows us to doubt, question, and disconnect. Awakening is forgiving of the process. Awakening is patient. It takes a lifetime, possibly more.

I am surrendering to awakening, and dissolving resistance as I travel that path. All the while, doing my best to remain humble in what I don’t know. It is a tender space, and it feels right.

***

Thank you Barbara at Me, My Magnificent Self for the invitation. Next up is lovely Linda.

Image credits: Stepping into the Light and Trust Letting Go by Hans Walor.

16 thoughts on “a selection of true awakening experiences part III

  1. Pingback: A Selection of True Awakening/Ascension Experiences... Part III - Me, My Magnificent SelfMe, My Magnificent Self

  2. Pingback: Awesome Stories 384 | writing to freedom

  3. I so resonate with your feelings Aleya… a walked away from religion when I was younger as I didn’t like the way it was being pushed in… and I’ve watched spirituality grow fashionable… more pushing this way, this method. I decided very early on they were all the same patterns of pushing, of controlling and ultimately taking away my own feelings and experience. So I’ve only ever worked with energy and consciousness and allowed myself to fall into the void… feeling its compassion and patience and just allowed myself to enjoy all life… to be just me, my magnificent self! No labels or ways… just the wholeness of Barbara, integrating with all… my way.

    I know you are in the most perfect space Aleya and IAM pleased I joined you on your walk at the moment you were thinking ‘I want to believe and want to invite the love, the ancestors and Divine Feminine back’… as this inspired you to write down your most inner true feelings… and yearning to bring in the love, joy and peace into this reality now to experience… AND so energy serves consciousness and you bring in a new experience of wonder.

    Most people are afraid of the void…. but actually allowing it to be our home… source itself, no separation… allows us to totally relax and focus on experiencing more and more wonder on the Earth plane.

    Thankyou so much Aleya for you truth and wisdom. Much love Barbara x

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am honoured to participate in this series as writing has always been therapeutic for me, a way of gaining insight I might not have otherwise. And this post showed me that this (awakening) process feels very cyclical and spiral – and there can be comfort in that. Awakening is not linear and predictable, there will be points of disconnection and even feeling like we’re going ‘backward’.

      I love your words here, Barbara… Allowing the void to be our home and source, feeling its compassion and patience, and letting it be a place of relaxation. Thank you for creating this series and giving so many of us the opportunity to share and connect. Much love, Aleya

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh, Aleya… 💗
    You articulate so much of what I feel and experience so well. I have so many times began to embrace the disconnect, and then finally (?) seeing it as part of the whole road of/to (faith)?
    I am so glad that you bring your authenticity and natural experience to your blog. I have a challenge with trends of thought (religion/dogma/spiritual goals), I’ve always wanted to rebel in the sense of even what language I use (yes I read), not for the sake of rebellion itself but for the necessity to find my own dynamic (changing) language – in that process (still reach others in some heart-intelligible way), I’m hopefully cultivating my voice with this experimentation. Astrology is a world of common language and today I just realized, I use it all the time. I’m still an astrologer even if I don’t act like the typical one, and even if my blog is not “informing” anyone about “trends in the cosmos” as “I see them and intuit, etc.” I still use “it” in my personal life, with the people who have chosen my care… never prescriptively, only as a sounding board (is this true? I ask). So grateful for your presence here, Aleya! Thank you for showing up as you are.
    Love, Ka

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is beautifully expressed Aleya and touches me for its raw honesty. I too am struggling with my faith and connection to the divine. I chose to turn down Barbara’s request because I don’t feel like I am awakening, nor do I really want to set myself up as an example. Kudos for your willingness to step into the void, trusting that you will reconnect and find your way. You give me hope and belonging to share the rocky road. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much Brad, for your heartfelt comment. I wasn’t sure about contributing to this awakening series…but more and more I see that I’m not alone in my feelings, and this gives me hope. The journey can be full of love and light, but there is also confusion, doubt, and uncertainty. And I am comforted that we can be vulnerable and share these truths about oursevles. ❤ Aleya

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I have seen similar things in the spiritual community here. Push, push, push, and then not wanting to push any more. Letting go of the identity as student, chucking it all in and going in a new area of interest. Then it all circles back and they realize that while they were going in a new direction, they were actually going in the right direction. They find themselves further down the ascension path than they ever dreamed. Many have permanently left the healing community, though, no longer feeling driven. They have healed themselves, and it was about that all along.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, that’s how I feel. No energy or desire to push. It is more about living the life that’s in front of me and not spiritualizing everything to the degree that I’m not fully in my life. I so appreciate your comment because there can be a sense of wrongness (like religious guilt) for what feels like abandoning the spiritual path. But when the motivation is gone, it cannot be forced. Nothing stays the same so all we (I) can do is trust the process as in unfolds moment by moment. Thank you for your sharing your thoughts here. Aleya

      Liked by 2 people

      • From my perspective, there comes a time when we must stand in our power to change our entire community by being in it. We stand as a pillar of energetic mastery for all. We don’t turn our back on the spiritual community, but we must be out in the entire world. Part of that is finding joy in everything, not just focusing on seeing what we must do to heal ourselves. With self-healing concluded, we can engage in all aspects of our lives. We leave our self-imposed monastery. We can energetically infuse everything with a subtle (often unconscious) push to evolve in accordance with divine will. So it looks like we are turning our back on the spiritual community, but actually, we have just changed our level and focus of work away from ourselves and those like us to everything on the evolutionary path.

        Liked by 2 people

  7. What a profound and beautiful read … All which resonates with me.. In the Religious Vs Spiritual
    And I agree with your words here when you said
    “… Relief in becoming less attached to any belief system, to any doctrine or teaching that attempted to convince me I could know what is ultimately unknowable.”….

    Very true, no one can explain that ‘Knowing’ we each have felt.
    I have also read many aspects on Awakening and Transcending, each with their own interpretations on how it can be achieved…

    I think we each wake up, as we reconnect to our ‘centre’ to that Knowledge that has always been held within, if we listen and give it room to share its voice.

    Likewise,, I have to withdraw and unplug from this ‘reality’ often. Its energy is driven to deplete our own.
    And I am certain our True Awakening is never complete, because we are evolving, growing and gathering knowledge to complete the puzzle we have all been experiencing which is Life..

    Love and Blessings and thank you for sharing your deep thoughts..
    Sue ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    • Sue, thank you for taking the time to read my post and share your insights, which I very much resonate with. I also feel that we hold knowledge within, if we give space and time, and listen. Many teachings I’ve encountered have been helpful and illuminating but none can replace the knowing of our essence/soul. I see life a spiral towards that centre of knowing…it’s not a straight path, and we may not ever ‘complete’. Thank you again ❤ Aleya

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