In my last post I wrote about my journey into my power centre, and how that relates to the Divine Feminine – her reemergence on planet earth, and the role I play within that.
It’s clear to me that many of us, especially women, have felt very disconnected from our solar plexus. I myself had always written it off as having a ‘weak’ third chakra…but what was I telling myself? That I’m not wired to be strong? That power is for other people?
‘shiva and shakti’, by my amazing friend and artist sonja picard (sonjapicard.com)
On yet another walk, these insights were further intensified. (Yes, I seem to have most of my revelations on long walks, especially those along the water!) I remember I was in a particularly twisted state at this time. And it mostly had to do with a man. Something this man did (or didn’t do) that day set off some major triggers, and I was sent into an emotional tailspin.
Prior to this, I’d had a very teary few days at work, for various life reasons; at some points I felt like I was one synapse away from a nervous breakdown. My heart was beating rapidly and I felt a free-floating sense of terror and helplessness, the likes of which I had never felt before. A feeling of nothingness, emptiness…like I was a mere shell, with no substance. I was gasping and grasping for solace in something, anything…but not finding it anywhere.
So on my walk that morning, I had the sense that everything I had once derived comfort from was gone. I couldn’t feel God or my angels (could I ever before?), no spiritual teachings or readings were working, and there was nothing to pray to. It was just me – and this terrified me, because it felt like there was nothing to me.
At that moment, all I could do was breathe. On some level I understood that breathing into my belly was my only option. It was my last resort; the one thing that just might give me relief, keep me sane.
I’d always been stubbornly resistant to deep breathing. It felt uncomfortable. I rolled my eyes when yoga teachers would go on about ‘the breath’. It was a sensation that didn’t come easily to me, and I didn’t enjoy it. I thought it was overrated.
But now, I strongly sensed that it was my last hope. A deep, profound knowing that my head was no longer going to give me the solace I craved – and that it never would (if it ever did!).
As I walked, my iPod distracted me from my intense discomfort. A certain song helped me to breathe deeply. As I did so, I felt a little spark growing in my belly. Dancing, swirling. I don’t know if I actually felt it or visualized it, but it doesn’t matter. My focus suddenly turned to power. I became very aware of my personal power.
“I want my power back,” I said aloud, in a low voice, surprising myself.
‘uma parvati’, sonja picard (sonjapicard.com)
And so it began. A two-hour dialogue with my power. I ‘saw’ that a tug of war had been playing out within me, for years. Me fighting myself, my whole life. I was ‘told’ (by my power) that the ego wants me to fight this war, so that I can be distracted, occupied, my energy drained – that is, not in my authentic power.
I understood that my authentic power wants me to surrender this war. Not surrender it to some outside force, but to myself. To the most wise, creative, authoritative power in me, which resides in a place my mind has little (if any) access to: my belly, my gut, my solar plexus.
The insights continued. I realized that I’d been carrying the belief that I have to choose between power and a man. That intimate relationships ultimately take away my power. “I want both”, I said, again surprising myself by speaking aloud. “I want both. I WANT BOTH.”
It’s then that I started to really feel it – that self-love is in the belly. That once lit, the fire grows inside, bigger and bigger, building. It has always been there. You choose, my power told me. You decide. I either claim it and direct my own life, or I don’t.
I then stated: “I am not asking permission to have my power back; I am TAKING it.”
I can’t say that I felt a strong sensation in my belly, but my internal eyes were definitely seeing and feeling something new. “Show me your secrets,” I asked. “Your knowledge. Your creation. Your magic. Show me how my bliss truly transforms, and enables it for others. Show me.”
I saw how much self-doubt, fear, and insecurity I’d been carrying my whole life. And I wanted it gone in that instant. I wanted the miracle of divine intervention, for lightning to strike my belly – zap, zap, zap – for transformation and change to occur immediately. And my power said, Okay, it’s done. It’s never been undone; you just keep throwing shit on it that you have to remove.
In that moment I realized that my wise, all-knowing power will never allow me the relationships I most desire until I acknowledge the full extent of my power, my Divine Feminine, my love for myself. She’s been waiting patiently, unwaveringly, feeing my pain and angst…but she won’t give in on this one.
‘saraswati’, sonja picard (sonjapicard.com)
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Keep breathing.
I don’t have to understand ‘why’ or ‘how’. I don’t have to analyze or intellectualize my power centre and the knowing that resides there. So many definitions of my self and spirituality have been (mental) concepts. The time has come for communing with God through the belly. Its fire melts away all the superfluous stuff in the background – all that is not love. I don’t have to do anything; I can enjoy this process. All the old beliefs can be dropped, I was told. They were never even real to begin with.
I realized that the most terrifying thing of all is not being there for myself. Why has it been so hard to be there for myself? To have my own back, first and foremost?
Why some people seem born with a strong sense of self, and not others – it doesn’t matter. It is in everyone, to be discovered eventually. We are all lotuses emerging from the waters. There is no sense in thinking about what I used to be like, or what could happen in the future. Enjoy this beautiful stage you are in now. It will create more beauty.
I create it to share it.
Regarding the man who seems to have sparked this dialogue…even at the time I knew it wasn’t about him specifically. But he drew my attention to something in me that was screaming for attention. The emotional discomfort was so strong that I had no choice but to pay attention.
And I am so thankful to discover how essential it is for me to allow the power I couldn’t previously access. And how it relates to the Divine Feminine, which is personally very important. “No man (or woman) has the power to destroy me”, I realized with great relief. I am indestructible. Yet I have never been more open.
I no longer accept feeling ‘gutted’ as the norm…bottomed out, hollowed out. No. With a strong spiritual sun, spirit cannot leave me. My sun forever holds my spirit in place.