a selection of true awakening experiences part III

When I received Barbara’s invitation to participate in her third awakening series, I didn’t immediately respond. I hadn’t written about awakening in some time. I hadn’t read about it. My blog itself, describing me as ‘a spiritual girl in the digital world’, had stalled.

What could I share? In the preceding months, I’d actually felt turned off by the concepts of ‘awakening’ and ‘ascension’. It’s like a switched had flipped and I couldn’t connect with what had driven and inspired me for many years.

As I wrote in my last post, the heavier aspects of being human – individually and collectively – weighed on me this year. To write about these things from a spiritual viewpoint, which I’d done many times before, didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to theorize or analyze. I was seeing things from a different perspective, and that perspective was…I don’t know.

My inner pendulum was changing course. Did I truly believe humanity was awakening? Did I have a clue about ascension? Or was I simply repeating what I’d heard and read over the years?

I didn’t grow up in an overly strict religious household, yet as a child I was plagued by the concept of a watchful God that was assessing my every move. As a teenager, the exposure to more metaphysical – aka ’spiritual’ or ‘new age’ – concepts brought me much comfort and hope. Life was far more intriguing travelling this path. The mystical was a language I intuitively understood. It made sense.

But the old concept of God, and the fear of it, lurked within me. And this past year it was triggered, with these two aspects – very simplified as ’religious versus spiritual’ – battling within.

This left me in a place of feeling generally disconnected and disgruntled. Which doesn’t sound great…but there was also relief. Relief in becoming less attached to any belief system, to any doctrine or teaching that attempted to convince me I could know what is ultimately unknowable.

I do know that the day I received another gentle prompt from Barbara to participate in this awakening series, I’d been walking to work that morning with the thought, I want to believe. I want to invite the energies of love, my ancestors, the Divine Feminine, back into my life without the hazy, overlaying fear of retribution that’s been hanging over humanity for eons. I want to feel the mystical and the sacred.

I think periods of disconnect are often appropriate and totally necessary. For so many years, I consumed. Information, books, concepts, digital ‘stuff’. I’ve needed to unplug for a while, to integrate and to delete some of the outdated imprints, downloads, and programs.

My inner pendulum is moving towards centre, finding its own resonance. Maybe, deep under the uncertainty of disconnection, I implicitly trusted that I would feel a restored connection in due time. My relationship the divine is renewing. Writing any more than that ventures into analyzing territory, and I’m not sure it can or needs to be articulated further.

Awakening allows us to doubt, question, and disconnect. Awakening is forgiving of the process. Awakening is patient. It takes a lifetime, possibly more.

I am surrendering to awakening, and dissolving resistance as I travel that path. All the while, doing my best to remain humble in what I don’t know. It is a tender space, and it feels right.


Thank you Barbara at Me, My Magnificent Self for the invitation. Next up is lovely Linda.

Image credits: Stepping into the Light and Trust Letting Go by Hans Walor.

it’s no shock he won

My first thought when the twin towers fell was, Oh, fuck. My last name’s Abdulla. Actually, it was more like intense dread imploding my gut. I knew in that moment life would never be the same. My last name, which had always felt like a curse, was more loaded than ever.

It didn’t help when, a few years later, my name mysteriously appeared on a no-fly list. I was issued a redress number, which I now must quote every time I fly to the United States, to prove I’m not a terrorist. Apparently it was a case of ‘mistaken identity’.


Prior to the no-fly incident, when I’d explain to friends my ongoing hassles at the border, most would brush it off. Oh, they do that to everyone. Well, no – they don’t do that to everyone. I found myself shutting down in such conversations, as I had for years. It was difficult to articulate the subtle (and not-so-subtle) discrimination I experienced. People thought I was overly sensitive, imagining it, or – my personal favourite – “too angry”. I told myself those very same things.

An Indian Game (Juggling the Books) - Lawrence Paul Yuxweluptun

An Indian Game (Juggling the Books) – Lawrence Paul Yuxweluptun

I wasn’t the least bit shocked Trump won…and truthfully, I’m not as upset as others. And not just because I live in Canada. Trump is the glaring, heinous expression of what we have collectively suppressed and brushed off for too long. Maybe now people will truly wake up and realize there’s a problem here. One that affects everyone and has become so gargantuanly big it can no longer be swept under the rug; in fact, it has become “the leader of the free world”.

This shit has gotten real, and it’s about time.

I don’t believe Trump could’ve won unless a huge amount of people (including some identified as spiritual, liberal, democrat, etc.) didn’t hold his patriarchal, racist, and misogynistic views somewhere in their psyche.

I include myself in this group. For years now, I’ve been facing my own inner patriarch, and what I’ve uncovered hasn’t been pretty. It is a long process. The inner bully is loud-mouthed, yet stealth and sly, and hides in pockets. Patriarchy, racism, and misogyny run deep in humanity, and reflect eons of false conditioning. They’re not going to go away without a fight. And when someone like Trump wins, there can be a sense or failing, futility, of wanting to escape it all.

Which is, of course, exactly what the patriarchy wants you to feel.

Most of us avoid facing the grief that underlies our programmed fear. It’s much easier to eat or drink or point fingers or hate. But look at the world we create when we shun our own pain. Who were we before we starting hating ourselves and others? Are we ready to travel the layers within to reach that place?

Are we willing to let go of whatever privileged status we have? Do we secretly cling to it like a security blanket? Have we become so accustomed to privilege that we don’t even recognize it as such? Are we ready to move past experiences of discrimination and forgive, at a time when discrimination has reared its most ugly head?

Here in Canada, we suffered through our own version of Trump for over nine years. Things appeared to turn around when Justin Trudeau was elected Prime Minister in 2015, but not everyone was happy about it. Only time will tell of significant change.

For Americans, now is not the time to immigrate to Canada or move to a foreign country. There is work to be done right where you are. It is a huge challenge, which contains the seed of a huge blessing. Now you know what you’re dealing with: the collective shadow stands right in front of you.

I’ve heard some beautiful sentiments expressed these last few days; those resolving to be more kind, more caring, more compassionate. I myself have felt very raw and open in my interactions lately. We need each other more than ever. No one is exempt.

This is a catalyst for humans to discover their true power. We can choose to connect with others in creating a new paradigm…or we can sink into fear and apathy. That’s the beauty of free will, and it ultimately has nothing to do with who is ‘leading’ the country.

To live in love consciousness, the volcano must explode. Will we be part of the wreckage or the cleanup?


becoming unbound

“Ah, so you’re a fixer.”

These words were spoken to me a couple of months ago by someone I had recently met. I’d mentioned that my ex, who’d just returned to my life, was going through a rough time and that I wanted to support him. I immediately bristled at her comment. “I am not a fixer,” I said. “He’s fixing himself.”

But her words stayed with me, as did the irritation I felt towards her for saying them. I knew my resistance was showing me something. Was she right? Was I a ‘fixer’?

Love Locks on the gates of Juliet's balcony, Verona, Italy

Love Locks on the gates of Juliet’s balcony, Verona, Italy

How do we know when we’re emotionally supporting someone, and when we’re rescuing them? I’d always disdained the idea of women trying to fix or save men. Why were they wasting their precious energy? Didn’t they see that people are responsible for themselves, that you can’t change anyone?

But things were fuzzy when it came to my own situation. I cared about my ex, and though we were living in different cities, he was back in my life after years of estrangement. I was so thankful for that. Romance aside, couldn’t I be there for him as a friend? I’d been on a path of self-discovery since our breakup. Maybe I had something to offer him. Maybe I could help him get back on track…

It was surreal when he visited me a few weeks ago. It was as if nothing had changed…yet everything had changed. I could feel how I felt with him all those years ago – insecure, ‘not enough’ – yet I also felt a strength I lacked back then. I was living two different me’s in the same moment.

I wanted time to get to know each other again but, like a whirlwind, he left town soon after he arrived. I’d tried not to get my hopes up about a future with him, but it happened anyway. Now that he was gone, I panicked. What if we don’t talk for another seven years? What if I never see him again? What if this is it?!

My best friend saw the distressed state I was in and insisted that I spend the weekend with her. What I remember most from our conversations was her request that I be more vulnerable in life. She knows me better than anyone, and she told it to me straight. I’m the gal who pretends everything is going great, when really I often feel lonely and isolated. It was time to stop wearing that mask. To reach out more to those who love me.

I’d been afraid to be truly vulnerable with my ex during our entire relationship. I hadn’t wanted to appear needy, dependent, weak, messy – like all the other women he knew. I wanted to be cool, confident. Not draining or suffocating him.

But what about my needs and desires? I’d held back for fear of rejection. I’d set my whole life up to avoid humiliation, being laughed at, or (worse) pitied, but all that took a huge toll. After being with my best friend, something roared to life within. No more. I knew I couldn’t live that way another minute: all buttoned up, silent, the unknowns and what-ifs eating away at me. Slow death.

I called my ex and expressed what I couldn’t during our visit. That I wanted us to try again. That we’d waited so long and why not just go for it, when our second chance was right in front of us? I sounded so clear, so raw. He listened and responded that he was not in the same place as me. Through our conversation it became clear that we had very different needs. After a few moments, we wished each other well. And that was it.


My emotions fluctuate, but somewhere in there is relief. I feel a sense of peace that I didn’t before. And this could only come from knowing I was true to my feelings. The real pain wasn’t in the rejection, but in the holding back. My own words brought me the freedom I was so desperately seeking.

I couldn’t be his ‘fixer’; I needed my own healing and attention. He showed up at the perfect time for me to really get it: the real power is in the vulnerability.


blog? what blog?

Life looks very different than it did just a few short months ago. Since wrapping up my job in September, things seem to be changing – internally and externally – at warp speed.

I have to say that these last weeks of 2014 have been some of the most eye-opening and emotionally intense in recent years.  I completed a school program, cleaned up messes and restored integrity with loved ones (this seems to be ongoing!), had an old flame contact me after years of distance, landed part-time work in a completely new field, started my own business with a dear friend, and met some amazing people who will undoubtedly play a significant role in 2015.

In all this, blogging took a backseat. And I’ve missed it!

Image courtesy of Vaughan Lewis

Image courtesy of Vaughan Lewis.

I remember sensing that once I quit my job, other aspects of my life would also change. And I don’t mean this on a purely physical level. Giving up my easy, cushy 9-5 was telling the universe that I trusted there is something more to life than the routine I’d become so accustomed to. It was saying – ‘I may be crazy, but I’m willing to take that risk. What could life really be like?’

I won’t lie that for the first few weeks after quitting, I was seriously second-guessing my decision. I realized that I deeply missed the structure my job provided.  Not the actual work, but having somewhere to go. My walks to and from work, and the daily coffee joint with the other ‘regulars’. Socializing with my friends and colleagues. Feeling like I was contributing to something.

I’m now appreciating the total responsibility I have for creating my entire life. It’s the first time in many years where it’s 100% up to me to plan my day.  I miss the structure of my old job? Well then, I must implement my own structure. It’s really that simple. (It’s our stories that make things complicated!)

Starting my own business has brought up a lot of stuff – excitement, fear, creativity, and doubt, to name a few.  But at this point there is no turning back. There’s a sense of urgency in the air and I know many of us are feeling it. Time is speeding up, and one year could easily turn into five.

If not now, then when? How do I want to design my life? And what am I actually doing to create that? In these last few weeks I’ve had to be really honest with myself about my procrastination tendencies…well, that’s another post. Suffice it to say that the universe supports me, but it’s not just going to pick me up and plop me into a new life without any action on my part. I need to give it something to work with! This is the power we have as creators. This is where our mettle is tested. Where I walk my talk.


On a different note, when I was in Bologna in 2013 I met a lovely couple from my hometown, and since we’d travelled to the same places in Italy, they kindly sent me their beautiful photos. Just recently I received a Christmas greeting from them.  I was immediately drawn to one of the pictures attached.  It was taken in Tulum, Mexico at a Catholic church on December 12, the Dìa de la Virgen de Guadaloupe.  There is a whole history behind the association of Mexican Catholicism and Aboriginal spirituality, but I personally was transfixed by the image of the mother and daughter, and the colours and feathers. To me the photo symbolizes the passing down of feminine knowledge and the role of the divine feminine on planet earth at this time. I knew there was a message for me here. And it has something to do with 2015.

With that I will say ciao – and that it’s good to be back! Wishing everyone a love-filled, creative, and inspiring new year.





LA, my birthday, Abraham, and meeting blogger #2

Last week I spent an amazing few days in warm and sunny Los Angeles, celebrating my birthday, seeing Abraham Hicks live for the first time, and meeting up with the beautiful Katherine Starseed of A Blip in Time.  This is the second blogger I’ve connected with personally and, like the Shamanic Tracker (whom I met last Fall), I know I’ve made a lifelong friend.

As some blogging friends know, I am a big fan of Abraham Hicks.  Having read their material, listened to their recordings, and watched hundreds of their Youtube clips over the years, it was totally surreal to be sitting in the conference room of L.A.’s Glendale Hilton, waiting for their seminar to start.

loving california palms...

loving those california palms…

I couldn’t stop smiling as I sat there.  The enthusiasm and energy of the crowd was infectious; we were all buzzing with excitement. The familiar intro music played; Esther Hicks came onstage; and three hours of uplifting, positive, and often hilarious messages ensued.

Say what you want about Abraham Hicks – and people have many different opinions – any philosophy that unwaveringly affirms messages of love, worthiness, expansion, joy, and appreciation, is good with me.

It’s so simple and we make it so complex – do whatever you can to stay in that feeling good, appreciative state.  Don’t beat yourself up when you slip from that state.  You are worthy of being there – it is your natural state.  I realize how many justifications I have made for not allowing myself to feel good.  Though all these explanations felt right at the time, most don’t wash anymore. (Karma is a big one.)

That’s not to say I don’t go into darker states, or that they don’t serve a purpose.  But I am fine-tuning those receptors that allow me to know, sooner and sooner, when I am going into excuse/auto-pilot mode.  I can sense when I am being attracted to the thought magnet I’ve been most familiar with, making it the ‘easiest’ place to go to.

I can therefore more easily discern alternate ways of perceiving.  I can catch when I’m able to make new emotional pathways, creating a ‘new normal’ for myself.

Being in a more consciously joyous state is not going to make me selfish (in the negative sense) – a fear I carried for some time.  It is not going to make me forget about those who are not in that state.  But it could open the channels for others to find that state of being within.  It could give me more energy, so that I operate from a place of joyful service, not fatigue or obligation. Joy powers up the world.

view of california coast sunset from pacific coast highway

view of california coast sunset from pacific coast highway

So one week later, these are the impressions I’m left with after the workshop:

Every question I wanted to ask Abraham, I already knew the answer to.  I realize that I can hear my own guidance and authority.  I am my own unique expression of Source energy – how could I not know what’s best for me? Do I really need to consult healers for the answers I already hold within?  And how can I know what’s best for others?

Why do I want what I want?  The power of creation lies not in analyzing the perceived lack or negativity in my current situation, but in imagining and visualizing what I do want. And this is often about cultivating feelings first (e.g., freedom and autonomy), rather than manifesting the physical specifics. The external ‘things’ will emanate from the feeling.

I can’t engage in conversations centered on complaining, negativity, or why things don’t work. And when I do, I feel icky.  I have previously indulged such conversations, thinking I’m not being polite or nice if I disengage.  I’ve thought that I was avoiding reality by not giving attention to certain things that other people find important. But I see now that this has drained and fragmented me. I don’t want to be sucked into a train of thought or emotional state I don’t wish to cultivate in my life, so I’m learning the balance between compassion and detachment.

Abraham often says that you have to care about how you feel more than anything.  Caring about how you feel also means not doubting or second-guessing how you feel. These days, if something feels good, I let it. I try not to analyze why it does, or why it shouldn’t.

It’s all about softening. Being hard on others means being hard on myself.  Not new information, but it’s sunk in at a deeper level.  Hardness creates rigidity and resistance, and inhibits receiving and allowing.  Cultivating more softness, ease, gentleness, and relaxation – with myself, others, and life in general – feels really good…like relief.  This past week I’ve caught myself sighing audibly (in a good way) more than a few times!

Fun is a priority. ‘Nuff said.  Driving up the coast of California was utter joy and freedom. Why do we view fun and freedom as the exception, and not the rule? Not me.  I’m going to seize the opportunity for fun whenever I can. Never too late!

I can say with confidence that I had the best birthday EVER, and I am very thankful to be ever-poised for creation – and yet know that there is nothing I have to ‘do’ to win the favour of myself, or anyone else.


time to jump ship

Years ago I worked in an aromatherapy store and, one night at closing, my manager’s friend, J, stopped by to wait for her.  I was counting the money in the till when J began channelling messages to me.  She told me she and I had a ‘contract’ to meet at this point in time, for her to deliver guidance that I might need to hear.  I remember glancing at my manager in surprise and total bewilderment.  She just wore a knowing little smile on her face.

So began a series of sessions where J would transmit messages to me from my etheric guides.  I had not personally experienced such a phenomenon before; though I’d always been into the metaphysical, I never thought something so ‘out there’ would happen to me.


The messages I received were very healing. I felt a connection to the spirit world I’d never felt before.  Though the rational, logical part of me wanted to doubt the validity of what was taking place – to convince myself it was a scam – this was in no way a money-making or ego-boosting venture for J.  Of this I was sure.

In one of our last sessions together, J advised that I would soon be ‘jumping ship’.  She asked me to look out into the harbour, of which there are several in my city, as one boat’s name would call out to me.  Well, in the 10+ years since our meeting, I’ve scanned many a harbour, searching for that one special boat that would deliver the magical answer I’ve been searching for!  (To what question, I don’t know.  Only now do I realize that hundreds of boats have been communicating with me – most recently, ‘Synchronicity’ and ‘Shakti’.)

I have never forgotten J’s message of jumping ship.  In the early days of hearing these words, I took them to mean physical escape. That I would soon leave my city, my family, my work, my community…all those things I felt bound me to an existence that wasn’t truly ‘me’.  I would start life anew, happier and freer than ever before.

And, in some ways, I did escape. I moved to different locations and tried different jobs.  But I soon found out – Wherever I go, there I am.  I couldn’t escape my head, my thoughts, my fears, my heart.

It took a while for me to figure out that ‘jumping ship’ did not mean ‘running away’.


Last week was an emotional wringer.  Two separate incidences triggered a mass of deep pain – and anger – within me.  Stuff I thought I’d dealt with, which had seemed under ‘control’, roared back with a vengeance. I searched for the best feelings I could, tried to think the best thoughts I could…but nothing could pull me out of the deep funk.  I just had to sit with those feelings and, painful as they were, surrender into them.  They clearly weren’t going anywhere.

I was actually experiencing a feeling of terror that I would never be able to let go of my self-limiting thoughts and beliefs – it felt as though they were energetically choking me.  Like my demons were writhing within.  And in this place of intense discomfort I realized that my only hope and recourse – my only way out – was to hold on for dear life to the idea, as fragile a thread as it was, as foreign a concept as it’d been in the past, that Am Love.


For some months now I’ve been deriving great comfort from Abraham-Hicks’ assertion that I have the power to create any life that I want.  But last week was a major reality check.  I was forced to really look at myself: am I full of shit?  Do I really, deep down, believe what I say?  Are my words just words?  Is there really an energetic place (the vortex) where all my desires are just waiting for me to claim them?  Am I worthy of them?  Do I believe or do I doubt?

I’m still feeling a little raw, but as the days go by, there is more and more lightness and relief.  I’m realizing on a deep and profound level that jumping ship is an internal process.  Jumping ship means finally letting go of the self-doubt, resentment, and guilt I’ve been carrying for years. It means truly having enough of the pain and frustration I’ve been so accustomed to.

It means knowing there are no more excuses to avoid the necessity – and inevitability – of holding myself to a higher standard; of accepting that I Really Am Love, and allowing that love to flow in, out, and through me.  Even (especially?) when that love feels elusive.  It means I can’t view life in terms of struggle.  It means keeping up with the joyous expansion that is my true nature.

There’s no other option.  If I want to truly evolve and grow in this life, I can’t hold on to what’s anchored me for years – familiar as it may be.

My channelling friend did also say that I would be moving on to the ‘Good Ship Lollipop’. (She/they liked to speak in riddles).  At the time I had no idea what that meant, and only recently Googled the lyrics for the tune. Reading them made me laugh.

Oh yes, the time’s about right.  I’m ready to dive in.